My classmates from secondary schools were perceived me as someone who serious in studies and academics and my efforts to keep my first rankings in classes show the proof of my commitment. But it is different story if you could asked what my friend view me in university, I am no longer serious with academics and yet still focus and give my commitment to finish my engineering.
People might view me as someone intellectual especially from my classmates in secondary schools. I am not. I can’t read, write or calculate until I was aged 10 year old. But afterwards, I suddenly be able to read, write and calculate and I moved to top class during standard 4 (primary school). Since then, I am just like anybody else, being able to learn. I become the pride for both my parents as I showing unique intellectual capabilities compared to other my siblings.
At the age of 13, I received a peculiar dream that changes the inside of mind. I believe it totally changes my wiring of billion of the neurons under my skull where since then I was start aware of my tolerance with truth and reality but keep myself to live in ignorance. Like a saying – ignorance is a bliss. Keep pushing myself to give good grades for my parents and also for myself because I believed good results in academics were promise for success in life.
In 2019, I was bedridden due to my illness and it was the day of SPM result announcement nationwide. My mother pick my result for me since I can’t move from my bed. It was the day where the results give no value for me but me lying on the bed is something I grateful. The experiences made me realizes, how stupid I am chasing after a paper and grade. Is this what God bestowed this intellect? For a paper? For a number and letter? How could I celebrated this!
This attitude still have in me resulting don’t have desires for any convocation of academics. I spoke to one of my housemates during first semester that I don’t want to attend my own convocation. Because it will be disrespectful to me in celebrating my hypocrisy. However, it might not apply for others – it just me feeling this way.
I am not saying academics is a waste of time, but if you want to study in college for a grade, for a paper. Don’t you think it is stupid? Despite, live now and learn for what inspires you and aspire to be! Learn with sincerity.
If you are clueless, let me ask – what are you looking for in life?
Good grades? Then what? Jobs? Then what? Partner? House? Car? Then what? You start to feel something missing in your marriage and desires to have children..Then what, you want your children to go school and have a good career, then what? You start asking your child when to get married and the cycles keep going. What are you looking for?
Have no idea? That’s it! Learn. Use your mind to think.
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