Confidence

What is confidence? It is a string that put the mask and real face together.

But, what is true confidence? The string don’t exist.

Let me share my experience in the journey of finding my confidence. When I was just finished my foundation, at that time I was interested to join sponsored Aircraft Engineer Program with Malaysia Airlines Academy. I was among the few who passed the written and IQ test and proceed to final interview. The interview was done in English which is my biggest weakness during that time – I never got A in English test in my entire life. Thus, I was called by one of the interviewee and told I’m not succeed with this interview. I asked why? He said, the program was looking for the role of Officer which could show high confidence level instead have a big brain. With that remark, I start my journey to build my confidence and that where why I force myself to get involved with Reserve Officer Training Unit, to look for “Officer” kind of confidence.

At the end of the training and we the 12nd Batch of UTHM unit’s Cadet Officer finally commissioned as Second Lieutenant, wear No.1 dress in white with shining golden epaulette and button. It is a pride moment for all of us accomplished our hard work and dedication to the training which require personal sacrifices of time and energy when we have the choice to live a normal student life, free weekend time to focus on studies and not bonded with particular of hard discipline even it was outside training hour. More importantly, now there is a title before your name – Lt. M. (Leftenan Muda). It boost your confidence and push yourself ahead from other students. You gain the respect you might never received before, treated nicely with respect. But you know respect is act to substitute the absent of love?

“Is this a confidence I have been looking for?”

“What a cheap confidence! Borrowing the confidence from a mere symbolism like title, clothing, big muscle of mine, money, STATUS! Which if I lost it, I’ll again fall into depth of darkness and again will put my time and energy to maintain something which definitely be ruined (no thing is permanent)”

Now I realize why most put up with their ridiculous effort and mental, for a insincere marriage or corporation. In order to maintain their confidence, a string that put together the mask, the persona, their ego! so they could keep play on this stage ignorantly. This is it! I need to let go my EGO! But, soon after I did, realized it is the most difficult thing to do. Getting rid my ego with my ego. From get rid my status as officer and became a corporation employee, then quit and became religion student at Pondok. Like if we peeling an onion as if you never know the onions, skin after skin, eventually turns into nothing. Exactly , the EGO don’t really exist and also the string.

Here is the antidote: Look for the Way. Free your mind and heart. Learn who you really are, the You who have been hiding behind the mask. “Tak Kenal Maka Tak Cinta” – To love yourself is by knowing who you really are, not a narcissistic love who love the symbols on them, but a sincere love like a mother who love her newly born baby. True Love born from the acceptance and trust to the Truth. And that is what give a true confidence, Love and Truth. They are not a string which put your ego and face together, they are not a symbol in the first place! – can you define Love and Truth? It is difficult to answer! You need to learn to unlearn before could understand what is beyond the symbols.

The Man who have Truth and Love within them give them the true confidence which a much superior from a cheap confidence you borrowed from a man-made symbols. What do you think that give me the confidence to write and publish the ‘intimate’ story of mine for you to read? You who read, is being loved by its writers like a husband who loves his wife, a parent who loves their children. Be true to who you really are, once you learn who you are, Be just(adil) to who you are, then contribute from the value you created.