Here is the confession of my awaken experience from my arrogance.
Being raised without any islamic symbolism teaching inside the household made me experienced the phase of changes from zero while being prejudiced by the environment as I was grown up in Malay Kampongs while my mother keep her free hair. I can’t read Quran or even Jawi back in the primary until I forced myself to learn by myself as my grade for Islamic studies always fail. (Also don’t attend Islamic Primary School)
Started from secondary school, I start my Iqra’ diligently unlike before – I had studied Muqaddam before with my neighbors but I guess I can not serious and left it half way or my dreams on my 13 years old may have played its part. Then, when I started my form two, I was managed get into first class and met her, my longest crush. We were started as a friends of four as I was sit in front of her together with her buddy. My buddy, her buddy, her and I somehow started playing a role-play games in class, I played as grandpa (atuk) while my crush as grandma(nenek) while our buddies play as granchild(cucu). It was not “cinta pandang pertama” case, but rather as a result from our friendship and interaction in class and I didn’t realize I have feelings towards her until I decided to gap our friendship (such as stop texting to her) in order to protect her honor and her family. Due to when I was 15 years old – friend of mine from another classroom ask me for justifying the other classroom speculations/gossip regarding me and her on having relationship more than a friend.
But I keep denying and lying to myself – “this is just a puppy love”. After graduated from secondary schools and foundation program then I started to admit it was something else comes with this feelings. It was ADMIRATIONS.
Apparently she were chosen to play important role for my growth. As an motivation for 14 years old teenager boy motivated to become worthy to be alongside her – she’s religious, had Islamic education from her parent, very good in reciting al-Quran, smart, love to read books and many more. She have what I did not have at the time – not religious, does not have islamic education, can not read Quran, and doesn’t read books to much as books considered as luxury items for low income family compared to her. I was embarrassed with my weaknesses and didn’t realized I cover my shame with my childish arrogance of my ego.
At age 16, after the event which I have write before that drastically changes my life, including affects on my apperances and attitude. I started to wear songkok and start improving myself Islamic studies on my own and being school librarian give opportunity to have access to Islamic books where the books is luxury for my home(even now). I started to learn and become more pious, until I reached at certain level where I did not aware which there is a invisible barriers within my heart.
It was at age 17 years, still in secondary preparing for the biggest exam which I realized I hit the dilemma of pious people which will soon eventually faces – The Arrogance. But I was so young and naive on how to handle that truth, then let myself getting distracted with SPM and other worldly matter while keeping that “Arrogance of Pious” into my face for years especially toward girls. “No couple” is become my biggest pride. I’m grateful had found the cure for this arrogance of mine which been with me for years like the shard glass stays inside my flesh finally removed. I’M FREE! Through from her again, which who I have crush with for 10 years!
The Arrogance of Pious will always happen to those who devotedly in practicing a religious faith via symbolism. I could say they are drunk with their devotion. Believing they deserve a good rewards for their obedience, expecting novelty loving partner given you according to your standards, demanding mythical help or revelations from heaven towards you or worse believed you are special, the Chosen One!
Humbling themselves to be a humble is not the way.
Realize!
Learn who you really are!
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