Depression. Anxiety. Stress. A neurosis triads I discovered at age 18 when addicted with Anime with broken heart watching those character ruins their life and let myself fall to it, to experience it, to taste it and learn from it so I could save other unlike those anime character I had watched. Become a hero. The star who shines in darkness and brings hope for those who lookup toward sky for direction. The only method to experience those is falling to them, lost in the way and being naive and youth is biggest factor to accomplish it. Which later I realized, you can’t save others, people saving another is impossible. But you could lend a hand, the rest you need to walk by your own.
I suffer because I decided to. So people didn’t need to experience what I have experience. My experience might be superficial since that what I want in beginning but later it become worsen until I said: “ okay enough is enough” and decide to start looking for cures for years starting need to look for poison first before formulating the cure for myself. The intensity of severity might be different between us, and it will be arrogance and ignorance of mine to say I understand what you have been gone through. It must be hard isn’t. When nobody could understand us, makes us feel lonely and hopeless and yet keep fighting to live on. But you know, star also is alone in vast universe, but at earth we saw them thousands shining in the darkness of night. There are not alone. We are not alone. Together, we become constellations which guide and inspires humanity.
My experience in depression happened back in army training for 3 years (as cadet officer) and at the worst point of my condition I slept for 3 days 2 night until my housemate enter my room through windows, with suicidal thoughts keep lingering inside my head. There was a time the army training, where we learn to do military rappelling and flying fox. The instructor ask me do I scared, I’m not. In truth, I want to jump and die (hahaha). I believed feeling depressed is normal and it is a part of being alive. You can’t appreciate joy without counterpart of it. But 3 years as cadet officer are nothing but 3 years of depression despite I’m having best student life, I don’t have problem with money unlike any students since I have my scholarship with army allowance, I bought my first vehicle – motorcycle with cash, academic? I don’t take them too seriously since I never want to go university in the first place but I stay there since I promised to myself to keep staying here if I got scholarship and I did, as long my CGPA is above 3.00 is enough for me to fulfill scholarship requirement. Studying for degree scroll? I don’t attend to my own convocation and it already decided during my first semester witnessed by my housemate. Because only with ignorance could enjoy them as symbols of achievement. Back to cause of depression, it solely because of I put myself in military environment which is toxic for hyper-creative person like mine. No freedom nor I can’t be myself. I started to curse at this moment and now I already forgot to curse like how I used to be in army. Means I never meant for military environment and yet putting myself in position which not belong to who I am. And that’s it! My cause of depression. Our cause. We unjust to who we are. Which later then, we start compare ourselves to other including our past self – like we used to be this and that but now we no longer can’t due to health reason whatsoever or depressed from previous relationship and stay heartbroken from break up many years ago. Why? Because we are living in the past!
Last year (2021) I was having a conversation with colleague of mine, he of course older and senior than me (I rarely interested with same-age conversation, since my mental age to old for this youngster talks, nobody remind to death since it was depressing), My colleague shares his experience and passion and he openly share this which he never shares to anyone, where he exposes his vulnerabilities to stranger and he was depressed when he was my age. At the end of conversation, I gave comment genuinely which we having depression because we unjust to who we are. Unjust or zalim means we put things to not where it belong. If we force a square box into circle hole, it is normal for that items to be “de-pressed”. Hence, we need to learn on who we are, what is our vitality since each one is unique one to another. If you are very high openness (creativity trait), you can not live without being creative other wise you just suffer in day to day. If you are agreeable person and mostly women are, you need to have healthy relationship and be married otherwise you just live day to day comparing to other which worsen the depression. If you are diligent type, you need to have some work to do, otherwise it drive you crazy being not able to do anything like what I used to saw on my late grandparents. Always have work to do, because they can’t stay quiet (May ALLH bless their souls). If you are social guy, you need to meet another human being, the movement control order (MCO) due to pandemics in 2020 shows the increasing of mental health endemics mainly we stuck at home, cutting off the human connection. Obesity or not in healthy physique, alcholic, sex and masturbation, all-day with your smartphone or any kind of escapism tricks, many things we often overlooked that we have unjust to ourselves but you wonder why depressed all the time.
Sometimes we fall into depression without we asked for it, but to remain depressed is our choice. I can’t save you from depression neither your closed friends nor your own family could, you need to save yourself. We here are not the savior but mere passerby that lays his hand for you to get out from that place. Learn who you are and put yourself into where it should belong, be just to who you are, express yourself through writing, song, dance, sport, anything. Don’t know to start? Maybe you could start read or watch inspiring film like such as Hindustani movie called “3 Idiots” and importantly ensure yourself is in optimal body shape, try to gain athletic or at least in healthy enough to provide more possibilities to your actions. Scary? You are not alone like I said. Look up to the sky and see the magnificent of star, there are not alone despite the distance between them is hundred thousands of light years.
Next (Part II)
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