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We often confused between stress and depression since both shares similar effects on mental health – body become weak, losing in conscious capability. But depression made somebody lost the taste of joy in life, no matter how luxury your life to be, you genuinely unable to savor the joy of it except through ignorance. Stress however, is mental burden piled up in our brain. If depression like a box forced into circle hole, stress however, we loaded the fluid inside the container until it exploded(burnout), kebabom! It could be anything, stress of studying like memorization, managing people especially child since they are honest to themselves, I acknowledge I am difficult to be managed unlike other my colleague because I decided to honest to myself, I am chaotic like nature of this universe. It chaotic because you force to control everything. That’s it, the cause of stress. I tried to control everything. I realized this back in army training where I need to comply order from Young Officer (Y.O.) to accomplish task orderly but human are nature organism, there are not machine and yet I keep forcing to control everything suits to my ego/consciousness.

Thus, the main cause of stress is we take life too seriously and control everything and that was the biggest problem of the man of symbol. All because of you lack of sincerity in your heart, hence, people replaced it with seriousness like how people replaced empty space which supposedly meant for love with convention on respect especially in army culture which everything based on respect not love. Men are created equal, hence respect never exist except the role we all need to play, play the role as husband and wife, children and adult or much more role in life and occupations. Life is just a play. Hence read and learn to be man of virtue and play your role sincerely.

Last but not least, anxiety. I had my worst anxiety where at certain point I took prescribed anxiolytic drugs to calm my nerve from having another panic attack. The cause of panic attack mainly because of other reason, I learn I have PTSD which is not a surprise with the way of life I have decided to constantly gamble on my life and challenge the status quo together with what I went through on my childhood trauma. Hence, what actually happens? To me it was sudden defense mechanism when I face with the fear compared to my insecurity and my biggest fear during that time is the fear toward myself which also not a big surprise since I was asking for it by reading psychology book from Jung Collected Works and experience everyday night dreams which I struggled to understand who am I. Why we fear? The biggest fear is the fear to the unknown like ghost, monster or wild animals because you can’t predict them, darkness and whatever you can’t comprehend and the biggest cause is the fear of the future since nobody could know what future could because the future don’t exist, time is now. But fear to myself is peculiar since the subject of fear is Me as one of the unknown. No wonder people see as enigmatic person even own my parent admit, they could understand my other siblings, but me to them is the biggest mystery for them which why I can’t establish matrimonial relationship because women seek for security and stability, except the one who searching for truth and love with the faith in them which is super rare on modern women. Besides that, I met multiple people who have anxiety issue and it was the reason: everyone have fear within them, fear becoming unmarried and left alone in the future, fear to make mistake in judgement in work, fear toward abusive threat either from criminal or from your own boss. Every fear you have because you have no knowledge about them. Hence, read and learn your fear like malay sayings: “tak kenal maka tak cinta”. Once you experience gain the knowledge there is fear then. I remember this quote by Sun Tzu from Art of War when I read them during senior cadet officer in my army training: “Know yourself, Know your enemy, in hundred battles there will be no fear”.

You might wonder why I choose this path. Why I’m intentionally going through pain and suffering. At first, it was just my curiosity with many questions lingering inside my head and urges to save and help others like hero I aspire to be. But turns out it gives a pearl(ironic since pearl is the product of damaged oyster tissue recovery), and the biggest gift lessons I learned is sabr (patience). Sabr is not means suppressing yourself on the emotions, feelings, actions nor desires, but it is capability to accept or redha to the course of the way and that was the quality of being the man of virtue.

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