Dedicated to those who exploring their own self through my experience from my youth. Aspire to set up a foundation for the individual who want to be true to who they really are, so that they could start their mission and path courageously with fulfillment in the end of the day. I am a nobody who have nothing on him to teach nor gives, but, a perfect beginning for everything and everyone.

This is five years of works began in 2019 where it started from the calling of “kalimatulhaq” from a dream followed with unpublished private journal which lays down the foundation the path of mine including some concept of fiction stories I aspire to write. However, in 2021 I had given a symbolic sign through my dreams which later comes with convention of my personal website (alfoundation.my) in effort to interpret my experience into words. However, I failed to do so. It is impossible to explain something that can not be explained. Hence, later I was focusing to lead my reader to be true to who they really are. “Trilogy of Man” was so far, summarized for all you need on understanding how an individual evolved to be a man of virtue. When you started to accept and let the truth flows into you, only then you begin your own trilogy of man.

- MALIM

It all started in 2019 when I received last words from my late uncle’s advice encouraging me to take insurance or takaful policies but I have no idea what this thing’s all about. Then, I started to learn more about this financial discipline by self-studied and took the exam TBE since I require the textbook from IBFIM. Then, I discovered this system is the answer that I have been looking for to build a foundation towards a much better environment in our community.

Why I said that? And why I more focussed to Takaful not Insurance? Well..

How long we have been lived in the world where the vast majority losing their pride of humanity by sacrificing others for own profits. Where nowadays we could not built trust even among friends due to a lot of scam and fraud so they gain profit and they sacrifice humanity with that. We live in the world where we could not survive unless we have protection and coverage from the people who have authority on us exactly like a slave. Is this freedom which our ancestor fought for?

But I believe, when the vast majority of people start contributing in takaful with the intention for taking care of other people wellness including ourselves. I believe one day, together we will able to protect our value from being manipulated by capitalist. I believe, by together people able to be independent from their nose being carried like a cow and lost their own direction of what they meant to be. One day, I believe there will be no longer small children (orphan) begging for donation for their survival and they could have better childhood and become a much better person. I believe, by contributing not for our own profit, we able to reach better humane relationship in our community and by together we able to win a war from demon-ish behavior within ourselves — “demons are nothing but lie, they give up their sense of reason to protect themselves, they harm/trick people as if its their nature.”

How takaful could help us to achieve the world we dreamed for is lies on the principles of takaful foundation which is joint-guarantee among contributor, and why insurance do not have that but made it even worse. To explain how insurance work in a visual interpretation. Imagine you as a stall owner in the public market place. To protect your business from collapsed by destruction from third parties, you paid protection fee towards mafia. Now, your whole business survivability depend on mafia protection since you vulnerable being alone from a group of mafia. How about takaful? Same situation, you as a stall owner but this time you cooperate with other stall owner and made a fund contribution from every owner to help other stall owner if their business collapsed due to destruction on their premise. In the end, both give the same results but both give different impacts. What happen with the last one, the community build with the foundation of taking care of other first, the trust nurtured in a community and with trust it give more room for the growth on each individual in the community to become who they are and proud with it. By together we could achieve more from what we could imagine, not just protection from risk. What we need to do now is just start small. Take a first step to become a better version of ourselves, and ask ourselves which world I love to live out which worth with my sacrifices in contributions, efforts, energy and age?

Start every conversations with truth, end with honesty and in between with facts. If you are in the journey of finding the truth, always speak with truth.

By lying, you are building the walls from the truth. And the tallest wall is lying towards yourself and the thickest wall is lying to other person. Yes, truth sometimes could be pain and hurtful. But embrace it, so that you could be better version of yourself. Being true of ourselves is the biggest gift you could ever imagine.

Starting to be true of ourselves is a very lonely journey. I learn it in a hard way. Staying to speak with truth made you be less trustful toward some people since they have their own wall from us. Actually, it’s a good thing. Less devil with the face of human in your friends list and one day you will be meet someone who believe on what you believe. But it need patience, I mean lot of patience. One way to fasten the process is meet, share and tell more people either in conversation, writing or song. The person who have put down their wall will see the truth behind the wall. Hence, believe it and stay strong, if you found them first, reach it. Let them know you found them so you both will be stronger together.

To speak with truth is easy but stay committed with that principle is tough. Especially if you are married or have a partner. You will always challenged whenever want to speak with honest. And I have no rights to speak about it (yet) since I still bachelor. Since I’ve been practicing on what I believe, more people less likely to engaged with me especially those love wearing a make up. Wearing make up is an act of lying yourself which means they have their own wall and it’s beyond of my capabilities ( make up here I mean full make up, not a little touch up or for camera recording). My advice — get treatment and skin care routine.

Living truthfully is a choice. It’s a way of life, not a scenario-centric decision. Speak honestly doesn’t made you naive, if you are in situation where telling the truth could harm others or you. Stay silent. Or say “no comment” or answer with the question. At least that’s what I’ve been practicing.

This topic is quite taboo to speak publicly concerning sensitivity on income level within community especially in the current pandemic situations where some worker got mass layoffs and some self- employed lost their income due to restrictions on business they do.

However, this is the perfect time to rethink on purpose of money and it’s value which we’re seeking for. Is it worth of the sacrifices? Do we actually fulfilled of what we working for? Did we have been living in as a ‘modern slave’ where you can not survive without being a part of rat race and having others authorized your life? Is this freedom where our ancestor fighting for? Why even this happened? What is the relation with money? Does it the source of evil?

Answer this question: Is gun evil? Is the police firing a gun to protect the citizen considered as evil? But if the murderer firing a gun to kill a innocent is considered as evil? In the end, gun is just a tools to pursue the ‘value’ we seeking for.

Hence, what is money?

Money have no value. It temporary hold the value, or rather it just a metric of the value. And the value determined by your gives, and you may need that to pursue your belief. What a foolish soldier if they’re going out to war without their weapon. Once we cleared what value we’re seeking for, we are no longer tricked with the illusion of value in money and exchange it with true value.

“People are capable to become a millionaire, however, not everyone would be a millionaire and not everyone should be a millionaire” but everyone must be healthy (financially).

Now, what value you in pursuit which you would take a risk, sacrifices and submit your ego, time, pleasures, wealth and energy that worth of your contribution of value? With cleared purpose, together we able to become a better version of ourselves.

Next, stay healthy (financially).

Part I Usain bolt. The fastest man in the world with world record 44.72 km/h in his 100m sprint at World Championships in Berlin on 16 August 2009. However being him requires a lot of training and sacrifices to gain super soldier strength and stamina and achieves top condition of health and fitness.

Same scenario applies for financial. If you determined to become a millionaires, its come with price of hard works and sacrifices same goes to athlete. To achieve your mission either in sport or financial, you must be healthy. To workout, going to gym, and exercises require you in optimum condition in health. To achieve financial freedom or become a millionaire also need healthy financial as your foundation.

Basically, there are two things to determine someone healthy (biologically); (1) Keep the body stay balanced in homeostasis cycle. (2) Nutrition. That’s all. Similar analogy applies to financial health: The financial cycle and financial priorities.

Part II Do you believe the solutions of any problem is within ourselves? If you really look at it and thinks, it is. However, not everyone have capability or talents to comprehend something differently, as how professional musicians could listen and know every notes they hear or engineer and doctor could see the problems and with experience and knowledge they come up with solutions. Continuing from the introduction from part 1, we were introduced with two awkward symbol represent the cycle of homeostasis and nutrition pyramid which described as the cycle of our financial behavior and the pyramid of financial priorities. Actually this is not my opinion but the source of the answer actually exist surround us (or within us) and what I did is to codify and look for the similarities of our condition and I believe if we implement this in our life, there will be no orphans begging for their survival, there will be less dependency to capitalism for our survival.

For the first part, we all believe our body maintained based a mechanism called homeostasis cycles and it’s automatically functioning and without consciously operate them same like heart beat. However, compared to financial cycles, it does not work the same way. It must be done manually. But do you know what the cycle component is?

Part III Next one, “the pyramid of nutrition” for financial health. Imagine the diagram of pyramid. Basically it divided into 2 functions or divided into 4 categories : Defensive (securing income) – protection (takaful and insurance) and savings Offensive (generate income) – investment and asset allocation This triangle or pyramid shows the priorities on your financial decision not amount of your spending. In military strategy that I learnt during my cadet officer training for 3 years, A good formation basically consist with two things: defense and offense mechanism. How to achieve good formation is one of it place priorities based on your goal (read part II), resource and energy in their optimal order. (Or in Islam’s philosophies: be just. Place it at where they should belong) To portray the reasoning on how this priorities stage in order for your financial decision. Imagine you have an asset which is your have extra car, rarely use it and you want it to generate income for you. In order for that asset to generate income, the first thing you will need before the car able to move around generate income is you must pay the insurance even before you could get for road tax any other legal documents. It mandatory.

You know this, it actually happened surround us but we always oversee them. That’s why I said in the beginnings, the answer already within us. Moreover, asset allocation does not always be materialistic. Your life, your health, your family is also priceless asset you will ever own. So what protection do you have?

After minus out the expenses like house, bills, childcare, food and more, put the rest of your income in strategic manner based on priorities. The amount could be vary such as for me personally(as I writing this), I place about 5-7% for protection, 40-50% for savings and 2% for investment. The percentage not fixed, it will adapts depending on the lifestyle changes such as getting married, having a child and more.

Usually most people only have saving in their financial strategies, for me it risky. As per war general once said, the best defense is the offense. And we know the good offense comes with good formation. One more thing, “Submit your wealth for the One gives you.” .

Just want to share my perspective for these people. I admit I did have experience being “homeless” but neither being houseless. I still got parent house to visit and stay with them but it lost the title as “Home” since 10 years ago (when I aged 15 years old) at least just from my perspective. However, this is another story I want to talk about.

During my experience being homeless and actually sleeping beside the road. It made my mind think a lot, regarding my existence, purpose, who I am and also why we have a group of homeless in our society?

Why some of them so unfortunate to carry on their lives unlike as normal as most people does. Since I migrated to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia’s capital city. When I walk around at LRT Masjid Jamek, I would see a bunch homeless people sleeping on the public spaces and some of them actually is healthy but I am not sure if they do have addiction whatsoever but we do authority to grasp this issue and I believe it is not all about addiction and mostly they are sane.

Have you ever went to vacation at resort or island and you stumble upon a group of monkey? What is warning given. “Do not feed the monkey”. Do you know why they put that sign? If you feed them, they will never those place because it’s the easiest way for the monkey to survive. I believe the same happen in the city and we know we do have rich philanthropists which never give up to support the community especially providing them some food.

But happen if we stop feeding them? Before you judging me, I’m not saying we let those unfortunate suffer more and more. But I would like to bring to another possibilities for this solution.

So back to the monkeys, what is the humane way to solve this. We can’t feed them anymore. But at the same time, you have destroying their habitat and replaced it as your leisure resort. Capture the monkeys and place them to another place. Well it quite humane but it did not solve the problem. You just “get rid the problem”. So what we can do about it?

One possible way to and much humane solution is we a human is simply return their habitat as it should be. You can not negotiate with Mother Nature. we are the one who intrudes their habitat and their ecosystem so we could satisfy our lust on beauty by conquering them as their own. YES, nature it is beautiful, but you know putting the eyes on beauty is putting the eyes on death.

So what the relation with homeless, you might guess. If you looking back on history, these lands are free for to live in (as long you loyal and pay tax to sultan). You could built your own house with the help of villagers and survive by farming or raising a livestock. But now we lives in complex society in the complex structure with the complex system. It is so difficult to own land unless you have a resources and good credit score to mortgage a land. And I believe government have done a great contribution back in 50’s with FELDA plan, it still amaze me until now which most people took them for granted.

I’m not saying we should gives these people a land to sustain themselves. In the First Principle, what we looking for with home is safety and security and acceptance from nearby society by giving them their new purpose and roles. As I said before, we live in complex system: Bankruptcy, Credit, Police record history and much more, slowly took their livelihood as we took the monkey’s.

But for the case such as mental disorder we need to separate them from crowds since we or them might disturbing public the public order.

For philanthropist, social worker and volunteer, keep contributing to these communities. At least, you might the only small percentage from our society who actually accept them.

Do you believe in equivalent exchange? You know the stuff we learn from alchemy from the Japanese animation or manga called Fullmetal Alchemist. I kinda believe on it. Not about alchemy and those fantasy stuff, but more on if you want something, you need to exchange it with the equivalent exchange. This is what I searching for in my lifetime what you need to exchange in order for you to become a better version of yourself.

Despite struggling with nihilism and existential crisis within my journey, it is worth to take a pill. Hence, It happen to be 5 elements you must ready and accept the terms before you could be better version of yourself.

Some of it might sounds unrelated to become a better version of myself. To be frank, its not become a better version of ourselves — it is about being human. I just simply codify them for us to accept and submit to differ us from pigs and cows. Which might you could be say much more civilized species.

For your information, these 5 element is just a beginning of the journey. But this is the basic, a fundamental element that anyone should firmly grasp on it or it will failed during your journey.

To visualize this. Imagine these 5 elements is main components to prepare in your boat before you went off to a journey. You could sail away with incomplete components but during the unfortunate event, you boat would be wreck. What is 5 elements you might wondered. It is E.T.P.W.E. or I called them the SHOOTING STAR points. ETPWE. I really need to fix that acronym however it stand for 5 element which you should submit and surrender yourself before becoming a better person.

Ego - Time - Pleasure - Wealth - Energy

I am should be grateful. I am nothing so I want nothing.

Some said, I’m genius or intelligent since scored pretty well in high school and university. But this intelligent is just a test. If you asked my parent, I actually cannot speak correctly(pelat), cannot read, cannot write or even calculate, but one day, somehow, miraculously I could read, write, calculate even in english plus I scored better in test and advanced to first class. But. It must be a reason.

Some said, I’m quite mysterious and mystics? Yeah, my life it is quite mystical if I could interpreted it that way. I started receiving “weird” dream since 13 and until now I still received it periodically. Remember accident several years ago. I already got prior warning several years ago. Quit a job to enroll a STAM program at Pondok, it is not random, it from those weird dream. If I lost something valuable, I could pray and the exact location shown to me through dream and these scared me out. But. It must be a reason.

But no matter what reason it is: I know what I really want, I learn from who I am, and dreams to live in a world where the vast majority of people proud of who they really are, having a fulfilled life from their own uniqueness and be better by together. But building that world require the true foundation. I don’t want any followers, I am not worth to be followed. But follow your heart instead. Be human not demon. You are not machine, so do not let other treat you like a tools or a number in their spreadsheet. You are human and should be treated as human being. I am unique due to my life journey and so are you. I believe by living true on who you really are, you could bring bliss and mercy in this world. I spent most of my age observing people, some said i could read or judge people better. I didn’t. I learn on who you really are. That’s why I believe in potential of humanity.

In my observation and thoughts. There are multiple questions raised inside my mind such as what human beings are, why different gender attracted each other, how certain childhood experiences could affect the whole of individual personality. But there is one question even some have female asked me: “why men is so attached playing video game”, I used to play popular video game like Counter-strike, left4dead, prototype, naruto storm and much more but after 18 years old I suddenly stop except sometime, wasting time with my friends purposely to bond with them. It must be a reason why I stop playing it and maybe I could find the answer why men is so attached with video game for hours playing DOTA.

Turns out, the reason why I stopped playing game since 18, it because of it was the year where my journey began. The day after I recovered from illness which I could not attend my SPM result day. During that moment, I started questioning my purpose and I’m believe it is not all about grades and numbers. It is something else and I start looking for it. That is MISSION. Men need mission in his life (unlike women which need stability, safety and security). Game provides them mission, even-though it is all just artificial and fantasy. However, it might be a temporary since as soon you got married and have a children, they would become your mission and you will still play video game sometime but as a self-reward (because being father have no reward, only salvation).

One of the questions raised inside my mind for years I could remembered. What actually is fire is? Why they burn, with warm color, some time even with unique colors. Why we often relate fire with destructive? Of course, Hellfire have word “fire” in it. But what fire is? At least the fire we see in this world. It is definitely not a solid matter while not even a liquid, they might be gas but we can see fire through naked eyes, it also not a plasma/lightning which produced by electrostatic charges. After all, fire is the byproduct from chemical reaction between oxygen and carbon compounds producing heat, carbon dioxides and ash while emitting photons. Then, fire might be just a illusion which our eyes perceived that our brain pictures it so we could understand. But why? It must be a reason. Is it just the brain’s way giving us a warning or maybe there is something that we didn’t know yet.

Old advices from my culture: “perempuan jangan jadi perigi cari timba” — women should not be “the well searching for the bucket”. Somehow it is true but falsely perceived by newer generation. It doesn’t mean women should do nothing and just waiting. But, women should become who they really are, be a truly “perigi”: 1) It not covered while not easy to access to the true core of wells(water source) means you need to have certain spaces to give opportunity for those you want while determining who the right guy based on comparison between the depth of well and their length on string of their “timba”. The guys will knows eventually if they are short of length or not, so they will be choose either to improve themselves or just give up, while women still retain their honor. Some women have short depth of well and some have very deep. The guy who succeed reach the bottom of well show the reality of who she really are, same goes to men too. 2) It must not a “perigi buta” (empty well) means you have lost the meaning of being women in terms of honor and beautiful feminine behavior. Women nowadays have become more masculine than women 100 years ago as a result from masculinization in education system which traditionally only for men: they start want to prove and show their muscle(success) from their career position, yearly income, cars, house from their own effort. They preferred feminine- look man as most Korean pop star, while older women generation used to prefer masculine actor such as from Hollywood actors or Bollywood actors. Lastly, honor means dignity of freedom women. As dignity portrayed by virgin Mary or Maryam AS. Until now, she is the best of female ever existed which all women should take her as an example. This will make yourself desired by the men, not wolf.

About 10 years ago, I developed one important skill and it took a tolls on me after several years including depression and nihilism. The skill I talking about it to see in multiple perspectives.

Every human being applied certain lenses on their eyes. If you wear black sunglasses, you see dark, if you wear red glasses, you see red surroundings, If you wear conservative lenses, you could only see conservative value and same goes too liberalism. In 21st century, human race have developed thousands kind of lenses and the purpose of these lenses is similar to goggle, to protect you. Protecting you for your belief, your cognitive, your feelings, and much more since the eye is one of the gates of truth.

During conflict and debates, most people will defend their belief and if you ever confronts with people you know how hard it is to convince them. Same goes to selling, we projected them with new innovation and concept but most people get scared and rejected it. It is not because of they don’t want to understand, but their glasses made other sees as threatening. So what basically this experienced pro salesperson this they try to create demand from customer’s world, they now no longer projected something to their eye, but from inside out.

Being empathy also is the result of manipulating this kind of lenses, basically you share the glasses as other people wear. That why these people could understand others. And it is important skill on being a leader.

So what it takes, as I said before. It took a tolls on me. The function of these lenses is to protect you, and removing this lenses will led to vulnerability. If you don’t have your own strong belief and cognitve, others will corrupts you. Moreover, by removing these lenses you will face the truth that you have always be feared of. It shares the same experiences of killing human being. The longer you keep out from lenses, the higher the risk you will be destroyed.

In my case and experience, I used to open my lenses all the time and it almost kill me, literally. But after about 10 years I learn when and where to used this curse.

If you’re thinker, you’ll realize everything existed and happened have a reason, the problem is, are you solid enough to ”know”. One day, if you ready enough, you’ll realized and agreed there are much better than a woman and children, super bike and car, delicious food and drink, gold and money, career and title, property or any kind of investment. Then, your mind will never get away from remembering death because you aware of what death is. I viewed death are not something to be sad hitherto, but it doesn’t means for nothing. Everything existed and happened have a reason, the problem is, are you solid enough to ” know”.

Before we wonder to whom we should be justice to, how you define justice and why we kept fight for it. Justice is the word which most people will bewitched with it. Who hates justice.? But ever we wonder why we truly adores Justice and even fight for it. Justice by definition is putting the rights where it should belong. For examples, we place our head on pillow, that is justice. We place our butts on chair not the table is justice. Every existence in this world have purposes to fulfill and if placed with other things the injustice occurs which may lead to catastrophe.

Most often people hearts’s void filled unjustly which lead to dying of our soul and it happened to me. Over 7 years, I placed a person in my hearts and only it did only leads me to the thirst of platonic affection. Our hearts void need to be filled with loves not the person. And love comes with many shape, I just need to stop resisting: the love from my parents, the love from male friends, the love from my female friends, and if you are thinker, it is the love from our creator as our soul is from Him and to him we shall return, and death is what we will seeking for. You know what the most romantic situation are? One person eagerly to pursue, and One patiently waiting for the return.

Why we adores Justice. Because it is difficult to accomplish because of the ignorance we nurtured from childhood and luxury we lived in. The answer of it is always within ourselves. We are being ignorant to ourselves. How fool we are. In the beginning, we never have the power to be just on others. We only need to just to ourselves. It may sounds narcissistic, and it is. Narcissistic is part of human nature but it taken controlled unconsciously by shadow side of ourselves. If we observed carefully, we never could place other human’s ego with our ego, except toward ourselves. Place your beings, into the right place that fulfill your existence exactly like how we place petrol in our vehicle, the pillow with our head. Since, only you know better of yourselves. Only you know the secret you hold from others. Why you should be zalim toward yourself. Toward your soul. Toward your bodies. Toward your mind.

People have to save themselves, others saving others is impossible. If selfish is just for you, be selfish. If selfless is just for you, be selfless. We all have different color to colorized our canvas. Spouse and children is a part of you. Being just to them means you being just to ourselves. The idea of marriage really helps human being to be a better version of themselves since we could literally see us on them and just to them on real time. For me, I have unlocked the my awareness which I could see myself as a third person(which it is sound creepy), but most people might never can’t or won’t. But marriage indirectly guide you to be fair, to be just toward ourselves. That’s why I always speak to my friends, or maybe followers, I will ask him to get married soon and will help for that reason.

“La ila haila Anta SubhanaKa Inni kuntumina Zolimin”

Just = ‘Adl (Adil)

The fight of evil have been the customary for the human being. We honored the hero because they fight evil either in fiction story or in real life. In the end, that is the mission of man always dreamed for. Be a Hero.

But have we wonder what evil is? Give your mind a thought, what makes you evil. That was the question I asked myself of how to become one. I was fortunate being enlightened at such young age, at age 15 with weird dream at age 13. It was some drastically transformation and a huge surprise for my family, during that time I was a “unique” family member and different. Being different means you unlikeable. Why? Because it challenge other status quo and people hate that. However, I still loved as a son, a student and a friends which can not be denied even from me. After I joined a certain program (more like a bootcamp to be exact). It made me wonder how about other souls who are not fortunate like the participant here which mainly background in religious school and family. But I learned and know there is another soul who share the same childhood as I am. Knowing nothing about about my own religion and oblivious with it and unable to read the holy book. But I was fortunate for given guidance and it was not for nothing. I know, I have mission need to accomplish for my existence and having a normal life is a luxury for me.

For 10 years. I had studied our ancestor fought in the war and we called the enemies as evil one. Bad capitalist and politician we labelled them as evil. Who is the evil is? Yes, Iblis or the devil is the truest enemy for human being. But what makes devil evil. Let’s study the first crime and devilish behavior ever committed in human history. It is the story of Abel and Cain (Habil and Qabil). The first murderer of human being and the important lesson we could learn from it. It shares the same attitude with the devil. And that is the root of evilness.

What makes evil? I don’t know.

We know the big flood is not evil even though it destroyed our homes. We know the war itself are not evil even though it kills millions of people. We know the children are not evil even though it trouble their parents. Every thing is just a tragedy for us, a vulnerable human being and it inevitable.

What makes evil? I don’t know.

We suffered on inequality and racism, and that is evil. People hurt other with their words and hands from their own jealousy and that is evil. Abel was killed is an evil.

What makes evil? I don’t know.

But what I suffered on experimenting to myself. Tried to be evil in order to understand them. It was tragedy for the one who need to “handle” me, mainly toward my cadet military squad team. I used them as my observation or like a mirror for my behavior. If you asked them, trust me I was troublemaker for them especially on upper leadership. Why I choose them? Well, they can’t run away as like me. We in military environment. The other environment that could be done is marriage, your wife can not run away. But who the hell in their right mind want to suffer their wives. Nevertheless, their “sacrifices” worth for a reason.

I was evil and I am evil. But I also was good and I am good. What makes me evil is nothing else the similar behavior and attitude shared with Cain or devil itself which is my own arrogance and resentment. My arrogance makes me think I’m better that anyone. My resentment which I was not fortunate being born in religious family with zero formal education of religious study.

During the time I was discontinued my previous job and made a decision on solitary online and offline and place myself at pondok spent my youth and collect my thought together. The first hurdle is my arrogance with antidote of formal religious learning, I need to challenge my arrogance by learn and I learned Quran with very talented young boy (primary school) and learn to accept my own family despite they are not religious family I wished to have because they are part of me. Rejecting them means rejecting the own self. Now I could see beyond good and evil.

In the very beginning, our cause with alfoundation.my it to build a world where the vast majority of us proud of who they are, it it to be true to who they are. By together we have a fulfilled life with our contribution of value from our own uniqueness. It is my idealism try to push forward to my reader even though I might never could see it in my lifetime. But I don’t have anything that I want to do accept to fulfill my purpose. That’s come from the fulfillment that I blessed at age 25 year.

You might thought it is such a young age to achieve a fulfillment of life. Even I would be skeptical with that claim. But the truth revealed toward thy seekers. Yes, you need to be a seeker and I start 10 years at age 15 years old. I might be a unique case since I got sudden enlightenment through weird dream and until I still received periodically and even I scared with it. Not scared with that dream, but the responsibility that I need to burden from those messages and that might be facilitate of my seeking of truth. I was young with no commitment, I get on the path of high risk path which most adult and my friend can not be done like willing to quit my job, my status quo. Like most entrepreneurial advice, “while you are young, take a risk” said by Jack Ma, Steve Jobs and more but I took it for my spiritual and existential path and not materialism since attached with materialism distract us toward fulfillment of the void.

You might asked yourself, how do you know if you or someone else reached a fulfilled life. What its look like a fulfilled life. And the truth is, it cannot be explained. It’s like explaining the taste of salt with someone who never taste saltiness. Or describing color toward blind people. You need to experience it by yourself, and doing that you need to become a seeker. The seeker of truth.

However, what we could notice and described is the changes of behavior of that person and if we compare them with historical figures and hero, you would the commonality. If you are muslim you read the history of companions or if you liberal enough you could also read about Siddharta Gautama reaching his fulfillment at the end of his sadhana. However most of newer generation more inclined to logical so I bring this Maslow’s The Hierarchy of Needs. I stumbled it when I reading my psychology books collection. I mean if you are truth seeker you need to read more isn’t?

It’s difficult to “fall” in love when you aware where the pit holes are. We believes most of our selections in intimate partner selection merely based on our own judgement within consciousness. However it’s not. At least in the perspective of Freud’s sexual theory and 4 attraction fundamental in the pursuit of human need: physiological need, safety, belonging and esteem as proposed by Maslow.

This is not for someone who still want to living in ignorance. Ignorance is a bliss but the curiosity could kill the cat. I develop this eye lenses by observing and analyzing my past relationship and certain individual who I had attracted to. It such a high risk strategy since I knew I might no longer interested to build relationships with new women since I would see the superficiality of how those bonds are created.

To be honest, my observation started at age 15 years old where I started questioning myself either this feeling I bear is love or lust. How am I could distinguish between True Love or Lustful desires? Started with why we desires to establish of those relationship? It is human nature as social animal and we never meant to be alone. And it raises to another question why people need others, why I need them? and how people attracted to each other.

We behaved based on reasons or desires or both. There is no event exist without accident. They all have certain reason which our mind could never comprehend them except to those mind that have awakened from the illusion of this world. Why we seek partner? We looking for stability of the existential reason. To provide balance in physiological needs, safety, belonging or love, and esteem to who we really are. Merely to fulfill the existential reason. To fulfill that, desires play the biggest role’s on how we fulfill those reasons.

You might wonder why we attracted toward others. I reluctantly to share this since it took away my “ignorance in loving” means I could ‘see’ why she liked me or why she attracted to me. Which brings to me to feelings of superficiality in “love” of their claim since you actually could manipulate other with these factors. It’s hard me to “fall” in love like most romantic drama and film which I always watched. There is 4 fundamental of human attraction; Sexual Attraction, Sensual attraction, Romantic Attraction and Platonic Attraction. Understand these, you could use these as foundation to manipulate others. Even in marketing used this fundamental without realizing it. Almost everything happens in subconscious mind.

It brings to me my first question what is true love? The pure love. After 10 years, I realized I was searching the Love from The Most Loving. No superficiality from lustful desires and there is no love exist in this world could compare with it. To receive that Love, we need to free our heart from earthly desires and attachment like women, wealth or any materialistic things. I spoke out loud when I heard the dialogue from any female characters in film said: “I don’t want anything else besides your heart” with my quick reply “Nope. It belongs to the Most Loving”.

Be careful on what you desire. Because you might get it. We human beings driven by desire and reason and it happen subconsciously in every decision we made. There is theory I have in my abstract thought regarding the symbolic of “tawaf” or circumambulation of the path we took but maybe next time. One of things of our desire is luxury. Most of human beings are manipulated by addiction to luxury, when talk about addiction means we depend on them. I listened to certain entrepreneur’s “wisdom” on how to become rich, or motivated to be rich. He said took a business-class seat flight instead of economy, afterward next time you book a ticket flight, you will book a same business-class and of course you want to be rich enough to afford those seat. Same goes to car, If you got interested to luxury car you admired such as Aston Martin or Porsche, or at least BMW car, visit your nearest showroom and took a test drive. It is the same thing on how to reprogram your subconscious on how you define luxury is.

However, most people confused regarding luxury. Most view luxury for expensive price tag for the items like LV bags, Roll-Royce and more. But luxury never lies on the product. But it lies to the experience for each individual. Sometimes it come with high price tags, sometimes it priceless. Luxury is experience and you could whatever price for it.

Having a water coming out from the tap instead obtain from the well or river nearby are luxury. Have electricity to power up light bulbs only a simple flip of switch instead of powering up oil lamp are luxury. Swiping a credit card instead of carrying notes and calculated them before handover to cashier are luxury. Having a good health instead being sick is luxury. It is experience not the product.

The answer lies within us, you only need to learn from yourself. Having a big house with beautiful design furniture and golden plated might be luxurious experience for someone, Others also view have a simple house with a lots of children growing with obedient wife, and have enough neccesities to live through is luxurious experience for them. It depends on who you are and how you define luxury for yourself.

Money is the language, but luxury is the grammar. If you want to correct the ‘grammar’ of societies, you need to redefined luxury for them. Dutch invest millions developing a beautiful urban cycle track to promote green transportation and health but the experience in urban cycle track need to satisfy the pleasant for cyclist. Beautiful landscape, and convenience facilities for them. To be honest, I view public transport (Rail) is luxury compared to be stuck at traffic jam for hours but the responsible authorities took it for granted and provide a decent experience which lack of attraction in Malaysia’s public transport compared to other developed country. Moreover, the uneasiness to share with other unethical public transport user and ‘insecurity’ between female Malaysian with foreign labour made the luxury/pleasant experience in public transport even worse.

Overall, we are the one determined what luxury is, not others. We are the one who experience them, not others. But be careful, since you could be manipulated by others using your own luxury definition, so keep it to yourself. However, if you deep enough in your own psyche, you will realize it is just an illusion or a play, like a dream. But until then, just be grateful on whatever you experience now.

Apart from relationship with parent, sibling and spouse. Friends is the earliest human bond without any blood relation and contract (marriage). Thus, it a very unique human bond that happens without we realized and that piqued my interest to understand what friends are since high school. My schoolmates labeled me as Arrogant since I always with myself but at the same time I was observing others from the corner of my classroom. Observed the smile, the laughed they made, sometimes they bickering each other discussing on certain topic and those made me smile in background. In my heart said: “I wish to preserve this kind of surrounding forever with the price I no need to be here with them if it only destroy the harmony”. Kinda messed up for high school student.

Nevertheless, I kept figuring what friend is? And the method I used during university is not try to differentiate and get experience as much as I could including joined Reserve Officer Training Unit (Army). Until one night I have deep conversation with roommates what friend from 4 years in university.

I can’t tell you what friend is, nobody could. But I could tell how you know you have one. And how they behaved around you. Some people said you become friends when both have common values and belief. It could be but it is not always the case.

You could be friends despite with different religion belief and culture or even nationalities. Some said we became friend due to similar hobbies and interest, you could become one but it not always the case. You both can become friend despite different hobbies for example I am not a fan of video gaming but my friend does. Mostly, you don’t even realized when you become friends. Thus, how they become one? 2 conditions — first you both have similar destination and second, they are the people around you or could say within in your community. When 2 souls share the similar destination, you basically in similar road moving together and you could choose either keep solo or be in group/partner. There are things we never could be done by alone so that where people you encounter in the same path come in rescue. For example, we made friends in university and we all have similar destination which is graduation. But to get there, you could not be done alone. You might need study group, assignment group and project group.

How they behaved? Imagine the imaginary gap between stranger and siblings. That is where they belong. Some time they treat you like a brother and sister but sometimes they treat you like stranger. Then it comes to famous question from female friends, could a man and women could be friends? If the male sees you(female) like his own sister without any sexual desires from both are you or involve in sexual activity, then you can be friend but either that man have mental disorder or that woman is ugly.

Apart from relationship with parent, sibling and spouse. Friends is the earliest human bond without any blood relation and contract (marriage). Thus, it a very unique human bond that happens without we realized and that piqued my interest to understand what friends are since high school. My schoolmates labeled me as Arrogant since I always with myself but at the same time I was observing others from the corner of my classroom. Observed the smile, the laughed they made, sometimes they bickering each other discussing on certain topic and those made me smile in background. In my heart said: “I wish to preserve this kind of surrounding forever with the price I no need to be here with them if it only destroy the harmony”. Kinda messed up for high school student.

Nevertheless, I kept figuring what friend is? And the method I used during university is not try to differentiate and get experience as much as I could including joined Reserve Officer Training Unit (Army). Until one night I have deep conversation with roommates what friend from 4 years in university.

I can’t tell you what friend is, nobody could. But I could tell how you know you have one. And how they behaved around you. Some people said you become friends when both have common values and belief. It could be but it is not always the case.

You could be friends despite with different religion belief and culture or even nationalities. Some said we became friend due to similar hobbies and interest, you could become one but it not always the case. You both can become friend despite different hobbies for example I am not a fan of video gaming but my friend does. Mostly, you don’t even realized when you become friends. Thus, how they become one? 2 conditions — first you both have similar destination and second, they are the people around you or could say within in your community. When 2 souls share the similar destination, you basically in similar road moving together and you could choose either keep solo or be in group/partner. There are things we never could be done by alone so that where people you encounter in the same path come in rescue. For example, we made friends in university and we all have similar destination which is graduation. But to get there, you could not be done alone. You might need study group, assignment group and project group.

How they behaved? Imagine the imaginary gap between stranger and siblings. That is where they belong. Some time they treat you like a brother and sister but sometimes they treat you like stranger. Then it comes to famous question from female friends, could a man and women could be friends? If the male sees you(female) like his own sister without any sexual desires from both are you or involve in sexual activity, then you can be friend but either that man have mental disorder or that woman is ugly.

When I was struck in my existential crisis and isolate myself from everyone I know including my family through offline and online. I was searching in this life, what it was for. I knew it was not for nothing even though we came from nothing. When I try to see this world as a journey or pilgrimage, where is the destination? My culture will say “Of course, it is the Heaven, where it is the real home for Humanity”. Yes, most people will never said don’t want to go there but the key to go there is death and death is not under our control. When the time comes we will just go. So what life is?

It is nothing but a play for us until we died. I love music, when I mean music is more like classic or modern orchestra music rather than mainstream song. Because the essence of the music is similar to life is, we play. To produce the great piece, all the musical instrument play with beautiful and harmony with each other. We play drum like it should be, we play flute not as trumpet. Every individual instrument play with true to the nature of musical instrument until it ends. Is it the sound same on each instrument? Of course not, but the harmony created from all musical instruments unlock the potential of the musical piece. That is where composer or leader came to function, to place the instrument and melody so justly and bring their potential to where he believes in ( I mean the music already exist in his head but we could not read his mind but instead trusting to him). After the play ended, is it the play good enough to upvote them in heaven class or they really bad and need to trash down to trash? It is not us to decide. I believe the potential of humanity as how it portrayed in musical instrument earlier. By being true to ourselves and be just to who we are, the we could contribute our value to inspire and unlock the possibilities. Life is like a play even though it might rub certain religious point of view like some religions which offers reward and sin, to me it similar to carrot and stick manipulation. Here the things, some human are not capable to be inspired (yet) or still being primitive human, thus, that’s where manipulation play it’s function, but once you old enough, wise enough, you no longer bounded by manipulation but guided by the faith or inspiration or even love. Most of religious scriptures I read such as Quran, Bible and more have stories in it and that is where inspiration come from but only if you truly read it. So what is the “rule” or I could say what rhythm before we play this life? 1) Acknowledge ALLH, The Oneness or The Absolute Truth or whatever you might call that deserve it; 2) Be Humanly. Surprise me with what you are going to play.

Marriage is a social contract. And people need it because we living in societies. If there are only 2 human beings exist in this world, you don’t need a marriage except maybe some symbol like ring for their own unity(man, if you read ‘man and his symbols’ you will laugh about how ignorance we are). It is a contract to protect the identity of the child which important for children development for future human generation, the wealth and legacy inheritance and their own social proof of existence(or relationship) since they will never satisfied until both of their names on a paper and stamped by higher figures and known by publics. Since it is a contract, it came with responsibility from both side’s including some limitations to prevent from conflict of interest such as no cheating! And that’s it.. what interest(s) you both agreed before signing that paper, lillahitaala? Or just blindly follow your desires/cravings as per you signed hire purchase agreement for your new branded car. And then people ask me why the rate of divorce increase especially in this age. Why and how to choose partner might be in another time but actually it is almost the same as how business owner looking for partner/vendor before signing a contract except it is much deeper to our own nature, you need to figure it by yourself. Who are you? and what do you want?

Why people married in the first place you ask? It is our nature. You can’t deny the biological need for survival and procreation. So what you do? You guide it toward more humane.

During my teenage years, I believe almost everyone have crush toward someone and that includes me. However, I did not confess to her despite I’m afraid almost everyone in class know how I feel about her. But I always asked myself is this what I feel is puppy love? is it real love or just lust? But I realized, I know know nothing on what is love? And what it is lust? We judge it because we have little to no knowledge about both. But if we know, we could distinguish them either this is love or lust.

Thus, what is love? Love is different with likeness or attraction. We could like someone but doesn’t mean we love them. Parent who love their children still don’t like their children all the time especially when they are troublemaker, but they still love them. We can’t really explained love in language. You could tell why you love someone by rationalized your thoughts and describe what you like about them but you can’t find a word to describe when and what love is. Some culture believe love is a form of cosmic energy. As the law in thermodynamics, the energy didn’t destroyed or created, but they transfer and convert to different form. Whatever it is there is no words I could explain it but we both know how being loved is. How it feels to love others. It is so sacred which you could sacrifice for it. How about lust. Most teenagers would confused between lust and love especially during the age of hormonal turbulence. Which lust lies to our body and brain. When I said lust, it didn’t limits to sexual desires. This includes on other desires and very common for human beings are women, children, wealth including great food and drinks, beautiful dress, outstanding career, houses and passive incomes, cars/vehicles, and luxury experience. It essence, things that gives pleasure for human beings. And it is addictive but we not live for these. In the past, I separated between both love and lust. But I realized lust is not a bad thing even though it have potential to lead your life toward catastrophe. Love and lust is relates to each other. If you observed surrounding carefully and see within yourself, what do you do toward someone you love, either it could be your wife, children, parent or whoever. 1st) you would fight for your love, 2nd) show them your love by provide them pleasure under certain limits; 3rd) protect them from being fall into destruction.

Heaven given to whom ALLH loves. But what more we could describe the heaven except it is full of pleasure. We unconsciously mimicked the creator by giving pleasure or service toward the one we love, working hard to provide them better house, enough food and nice dress, education and it could include be a reliable teammate. This also includes the pleasure of sex with your spouse with motive to satisfy spouse’s pleasures, I saw some husband struggling to fulfill that wife’s libido which why they tend to take men’s health supplements to keep their partner satisfied. I believe even your mother asked what you want to eat for for dinner. Love and lust relies to each other for human relationship as yin and yang completing each other, we are given lust merely as a tool as communication of love and to keep loving until you meet the origin of love. If you want love, be lover.

How I distinguish between love and lust? It is lust if their real agenda to pleasures themselves. It is love when they want to pleasures others because love could also means you submitting yourself to others, and there is no one greater to submit ourselves except towards The All-Loving.

Lately I have been playing monopoly game card with my sister and remember the the original board game. Do you remember the chance card. There is story I want to share some stories about chances.

There is old man in flood area, stuck stayed in his premise. He pray to God save him from the disaster. Until one man come to his house to ask him to join other move to the school. But the man rejects him and said “I already pray to lord to save me”, then the man leaves. The water level increase and the old man can’t swim away from his house. He pray again to God to save Him from the flood. Later, the boat come and ask him to hop into the boat. But the man rejects it and said “I already pray to lord to save me, you can keep going”. Then the boat leaves. Afterward, the flood have gone to dangerous level with rush stream which even using a boat will be dangerous. The old man climbed onto to his roof and pray again to save him from the flood. Later, the helicopter come and order him to climbed the stairs into to helicopter. The old man said “I already pray to lord to save me, I’ll be alright”. Suddenly the rush stream cause the house breaks down and fall into the flood. While drowning, the old man said “Whhyyyy God?!”

Sometimes, when we ask God for something like give me some courages, life partner(jodoh), or the best one which pray to become a better human beings. Then we assume, we will got that magically. If you aware unlike the old man in that story, God always given us the opportunity, the chances, the choice on what we asking for. Because that is the uniqueness of creature called human beings unlike other creatures, “the choice”. I’m sick when people ask me to pray so they could bestowed on what they asking for because you might not realize the opportunity is laid out in front of you. If you ask for courage, maybe god already create a situation of you in fear since without it how could you become more courageous which all you need the act of faith, if you afraid to grab a snake, grab one, once you grab it you are courageous than before. If you ask for good wife/husband for marriage, maybe good person is already come into your life but you rejected due to lack of faith or being egoistic like that old man try to pertain the idea the god will save him miraculously. If you ask for you to be better human being, you live now! Now is the opportunity for you to become a better human being.

There is a real story, actually this is mine. Happened in 2 years ago when I spent my time in solitary by studying religion in traditional islamic institution. One day I decided to go Kuala Lumpur alone due to some business need to handle but once I arrived, I almost got scammed but one very old man walking with his sticks pass between us and give a signal but he just keep walking as nothing really happen. Later, the truth about the scammer revealed and he beg for forgiveness from me. What I did, I pursued that old man, by the way that day was rainy, but I didn’t called him yet but instead keep following him watching him from behind like a robbers. He was carrying bag and then I decided to talk with him, to thank him and maybe offer him to carry that bag for him. After we chat a while until we arrived to bus station, I ask him to pray me for something because I view him is much closer to God than me. What I got back is not they pray like I want, but rather the most wise learning experience for me about who we are to God and how egotistical we are even though we view ourselves as “humbled” enough with raising our hand begging for something.

What is ego? Most people will relate the ego with arrogance, stubbornness or something that negative. Moreover, there is a book I read titled “ego is the enemy”, despite I don’t actually took seriously on what he write but I understand which perspectives he see in ego. But what is Ego in the first place? To be honest, in my philosophy, it is difficult to explain on something which in reality does not exist or real. Even when you could describe it, it not a facts but rather a fantasy we created as an author will write down a character in sci-fi novel. However, throughout the culture and literature I explored, there are collective perspectives I found to define what ego is but there is no end. You could write an entire novel to describe ego is since they act exactly like the same with fiction protagonist, since they were all just a concept.

As most people perceived, ego often associated with negativity but it is not always the case. There are some case Ego is ‘fine’ on certain situation such as the ego parent, the ego of commander or any kind of ego that attach with certain position. They were just want borrow the confidence from those ego. Even though it is fragile if we really think about it. Since most people could only perceived you now with help on certain images, symbols or even personality you try to describe, for example, you behave in certain ways or called yourself with certain ideology or movement something like feminist or marxist.

However, they were just made up. You made it up. Or the society made you up. The real, the true you is within you, sleeping like a bird in shell. You could say ego is like egg shell and the real you are within inside of you which who knows what creature sleeping inside of it. Is it a bird? Reptile? But whoever you are, you are going to be unique. The universe is complex, we unable to comprehend the complexity by our conscious mind. Thus, we create a certain assumptions based on our own axiomatic belief. Even science is based on assumptions and symbols of calculation which that’s why you could see those people always portrayed as quite egocentric like the tv show I watched called “The Big Bang Theory”. The ego created to protect our psyche by simplifying the complexity of this universe which is a deep abyss of our own fear on unknown. So we could tolerate the nature including people we communicate and live our life safely from fear. That’s where I realize we actually living in illusions.

In Christianity, there is celebrations called Easter Day which there is one symbolism they seldom use which is easter egg where the egg were decorated which symbolizes of rebirth. And I saw something peculiar about the tradition of decorating the egg shell because in life we did the same things with our images or personality or our ego. We decorating our names with titles, which big corporation we worked with, which university we went or even clothes to represent what you want to be perceived by societies. We even try to control our hair by putting hair gel so the hair can maintain the shape as we wanted, to be perceived as someone we want to be perceived, I naughtily try to messed their hair and end up raising their anger which it is the ego people been fighting for, to protect their images on mirror which often distorted from the real self. However, we all know how fragile the egg shell is and when it did, you know it will never be the same as before.

But we often forget of who we are. There are still creature inside that egg. The true you, and there is reasons most people fear to know the real self or could be considered as taboo for certain culture. Since you have no idea how fearful it could be by knowing the real you since you might went insane. So we rather stay in status quo with decorated egg we furnished while keep hitting with other eggs in a basket. I believe that is what the common problem with egotistical person. Or I could say, I know what problem with me in the past. I was concerned in maintaining that image and personalities I built or got from other. For examples, I never declare in relationship and rejects the ideas couple dating and rejecting girl who ever confessed to me since I took Islamic ideals onto my personality or self images. Or sometime I used to borrow confidence from Second Lieutenant Officer title from my Wataniah Regiment. As soon I finished my final exam, I quickly to find company to be a part the company brand with my ego, the employee of XXXX. However, in that same year I realized, this is not me. Who am I? – with habit doodling “Aku Bukan ..”

However, to discover of who I really are. I need to let go of my Ego which mean to let go of my identity, my job and went to solitary which is the hardest thing for human being, to become nobody in societies. Moreover, to know the real you is the scariest thing since you need to gamble with your own status quo to discover what is inside in that egg. Is it living or is it already dead? What kind of creature I am inside that egg? Nevertheless, this is journey that I destined to. At least that’s what I understand from my dreams told me to. Who am I? My friends commented me as “complicated than women”, “different than any man I know” or my dad once said to me “I can’t understand who you are”. Because you could never accept something “different” while you still living in your own axiomatic belief and conscious(which lies in it ignorance) like people rejecting people who said the earth is not flat centuries years ago or using science to describe souls is. Except, only through your heart could feel it that these people is good or not, these people are truthful or just full with lies. Even the name “al” I went with now is just an ego I need to create in order to communicate with this world, what “al” is? Actually, it does not mean anything. It is just “The” in arabic word which to me a pun or a joke toward what people want in ego is.

Be true to who you are and then you would unlock the potential of humanity as long you act justly to who you are. But don’t need to force it to yourself or others. The egg need to be crack from within. And the journey you want to take is so dangerous. But that what makes Islam first symbols take place a subtle role in curing the ego by admitting there is no god except ALLH, and Muhammad is the messenger. What it means is, you submitting your ego to ALLH, whoever you are, the son’s king or millionaire. You’ll become nothing except a human being who blessed with His mercy. Once you have no longer have an ego to fight for, you now could received the revelation of truth from the Messenger since you could not accept the truth unless you are free from living in illusion or (maya in our language) since truth are not always pleasant. That is the meaning of the first symbol of being a muslim. Get rid the ego is impossible, thus, submit it to ALLH.

“People have to save themselves, one saving another is impossible. we only could lend a hand”

Several weeks ago, my friend ask me how to encourage more people to start reading books. However, me myself also don’t recommend reading books obsessively like I used to be but I love to learn new things and books the only way to get things done. Thus, to promote other to read by myself is impossible. But if you are learner or in dilemma, and need a certain book to sort out your questions lingering from your head. Then, here it is: theBrary.app is the web application in mission to introduce decentralized library education architecture within theFoundation’s community. TheBrary is a revolutionary decentralized network management platform designed for book enthusiasts. It provides an innovative way of managing books and sharing them with others in the community. With theBrary, users can easily create their own virtual library, organize their books, and share them with other members of the community. This platform not only makes it easy to manage your books but also allows you to connect with like-minded individuals who share your passion for reading. theBrary uses blockchain technology and philosophy to create a decentralized network that is secure and transparent. The platform will use smart contracts to automate the process of lending and borrowing books. When you lend a book to someone, the smart contract ensures that the book is returned to you within the specified timeframe. This makes the lending process more efficient and eliminates the need for intermediaries.

What we really know about caste? The separation of humanity into different group of people? Based on what then? Race? Occupation? Income level? The dominance hierarchy? If we talk about caste, we will refer to Indian caste system where is a form of social stratification based on several factor including heredity, ritual and much more and actually taboo to be discuss in my country (multiracial country) since it will lead to chaos, but is it? When I studied Indian philosophy and human early civilization lead me to realize the illusion these modern indian did with caste system founded in the first place.

Caste or I could say the separation of human group into several roles of occupations exist is every human civilization in this world including early Christian medieval period, or even Malacca sultanate. Before humanity settled in agrarian culture, prehistoric humanity lives in nomad and hunting for living until we reach to certain period of time and skills where they settled down in suitable place such as near to the river as per early civilization in Indus valley, Nile river and more. They established themselves and build communities and cooperate each other to survive. Here where humanity could specializing their skills and contribute toward community and the result humanity design a rules, a law and order, and system of man occupation to keep peace and to ensure survival of humanity. Based on Indus Valley civilization, the man occupation divides into $ categories — Brahman, Ksyhatria, Vaisya and Sudra. Each one of them play a role or symbol in human’s self which later mostly got lost and deluded with symbols as we deluded ourselves on money with wealth. If we look into Christian medieval period, the similar categories of man occupation exist: Priest/Bishop, King/Nobles, Commoner and Serf. Similar goes to malacca sultanate: Ulama’, Raja dan Bangsawan, Petani/Pedagang/Rakyat and Hamba. What all the occupations symbolically represent from the human self and why we f*&king need it in human civilization.

To increase humanity survivality, the best way is to conserve our energy and specializes in something which later could help humanity and that lead to entrusting with multiple occupation.It is same way for man to build a company. At first, we with partner could do everything but soon the demand arises, you will later start to employ more staff to increase the efficiency in company. Thus, these 4 main roles represent about: Brahman — The intellectual, thinker, the one who specializes in his time to think solution for humanity daily lives. In modern societies, it came with many names: scientist, philosopher, priest, ulama, scholar. Now we could observe the result of specializing of human’s mind to think lead to our era of technology.

Kyshatria — The protector, the leader, the one who specializes to lead people and provide the feeling of safety and security. Their jobs to protect community activities from any harm and danger.

Vaisya — The farmer, the craftsman, the one who specializes certain skill crucial to humanity lives such as providing stock and crop, clothes, steel armor, weapon and much more. In modern societies, we came up with much complexity specialist roles such as architects, doctor, engineer, programmer, developer and much more.

Sudra — the worker, the labour, the one who follow the order. Mostly employed in each above roles to facilitate their specialization by taking care their daily task which irrelevant with their roles.

Nevertheless, all 4 roles exist in our self and the moment you return to who you really are you no longer the same person as most people perceived.

The biggest liar is who successfully lie himself/herself.

Before this, I had written that to live true we need to speak truthfully (or just shut up for certain conditions). I think truth is the root of the justice, with it, we able to just with ourselves. Nevertheless, I living in the era where people could not trust to those who honest but rather more believe on someone who could deceive them. Likewise, most people rather believe on fiat currency rather than the real wealth. I’m myself not an honest person, I did lie in the past. In fact, I am the biggest liar. And it is hard for me to live in this world as non-liar existence since people look for beauty and pleasure in every word we speak. But truth? It’s bitter than bitter, and yet sweetest than any sweetest.

But why we do lie in the first place. Hmm, as far I could remember my mom just tell me something not true toward my teacher during primary school. The weirdest thing I observed for the past 26 years of my age. The one who introduced lie into mankind mainly is woman or feminine symbols, verbally or not verbal (based on child observation toward his mother since the father always being passive in his house). My guy friend also often to lie every time and it brings me to my unwritten third criteria of evil from my latter post (read evil). The Deceptions.

The reason I didn’t put back then because of the deception only could perceived as evil if only rooted back to the first 2 criteria. We have deception strategy in war, businesses, negotiation and it difficult to put in words that deception is an act of evil. Even Lie I can not generally called it as an act of evil even though it is one the element in deception and one the trinity of evil.

Hence, what is lie and where it came from? But first to ensure we think in similar understanding of lie – Lie is a untruthful / false statement from what really happened and consciously tell/write/show even though we knew it was incorrect. If someone tell you he will be meet you at 1PM and he didn’t appear, that was not lie..NOBODY KNOW THE FUTURE, we only could assume. So where it come from? To be honest I have no idea. What I learn, we lie to comfort ourselves. At least, that I was used to. Get away from troubles. Human being always seeks or safety and security and that it is our nature and devil use it as our weaknesses. By lying, we shutting ourselves from the truth. The truth of Universe, the truth of ourselves and live truly as who we really are. The worst we shutting ourselves from The Absolute Truth which Muslims also called as ALLAH. If you ask me why I could tell no lies. I just give up, or the correct phrase is total surrender of myself, surrender my safety, security and comfort to Absolute Truth. Just trust the Universe. I have no longer have reason to lie someone to gain credit, jobs, women, money, profits etc.

As I said before in my prior writing, this is the way of life not just a scenario-centric decision making. You choose your own, I choose mine. But if choose to live in truth, be prepared since you embark the abrahamic adventures and test will bestowed upon you.

I have nothing to teach you on how to be religious person especially how being a muslim but I can tell my young life stories, my past experience and my observations in my religious journey.

I was born in Malay family, in Malaysia which Islam is the national religion of the country. Despite being born in islamic community, when I have no idea about Islam, I never attend to Islamic school like my most friends did, could not able to recite Quran until I seriously learn IQRA’ at age 13. I still remember during primary school, during almost all my Islamic class, we went to school’s musolla and read Quran together. That time, I can’t read the the arabic letter even Jawi (malay languages written in arabic letter) unable to read which all my test and examination of Islamic studies fail since 99% the questions on paper written in jawi/arabic letter. The only practices all I could did back then was fasting since it didn’t require any recitation of arabic languages.

5 times prayer? It was an unknown experience to me back then since I never watch it except during certain condition where I just follow blindly in Solat Jama’ah at primary school, with my childhood friend during Ramadhan (iftar – free food ). The only credit is maybe reciting al-Fatihah even though I can’t read it taught by my mother since 4 years old — that’s the earliest memory I have. Until I’m aged 12 years old, I’m not a muslim at all, just a Malay with traditions. It might be surprising for someone who know me currently and might wonder how everything could change dramatically? Well, actually it is a dramatic with my sudden awakenings at age 13 years old through dream. As I writing this, the memory of that dream still linger in my mind. It was supernatural journey to me and one of it is one part of that where I look up and saw a bright light like a sun but didn't hurt like sun but sooth like we saw on bright moon (but it still very bright like a sun) and speak to me with no languages but still perceived it as like sound or vibration as my body (in that dream) will react with loud sound but I can understand it tells me something but can’t put in words. After I wake up, I was like “woah”. But later I just ignore it, I was still a kid to take it seriously and just live my life as usual. But at the same time, I started learn reading IQRA’ with tok kadir (May ALLH blessed his soul) and soon able to read Quran around age 14-15 years.

One day at age 15, in Wednesday I coming to school at afternoon for co-curricular activities and stumbled upon one my teacher. He asked me if I already prayed (Dhuhr) since he was on the way to school musolla. I answered “No” – I mean I don’t even know how to pray exactly, what to recite in prayer except al-Fatihah. The my teacher asked him to follow him along. On our way to musolla, he spoke to me: “Kalau nak berjaya, kena solat” (“If want to succeed, must pray”). I went home to find a book how to pray, strangely our house do have one despite nobody pray in house. I took the book and studied it secretly and practiced secretly since for me it is unusual for house except for unusual situation such as my father pray for my mother getting possessed by jinn. I shared room with my brother, every sunset/maghrib I’ll pretend to take a shower to take wudhu’ and lock my room and quickly get dressed and pray (even though I pray wrongly in the beginning). And been doing this for about 2 months until my brother unlocked the door and discovered I was praying. At the time I was like: “what I’m going to tell them?”, and meet them at living room and ask why I’m hiding. Then I realized something — The dream when I was 13, this is just a beginning.

Honestly, I’m might not qualified person to talk about symbols and the idea on system of symbols. Since I’m never better with symbols and still struggling with system of symbols such as words or vocabulary. If you able to find report card during primary school, it was terrible. At age 9, I still can’t read, write or calculate. But at age 10, I changed school into rural area, suddenly I able to read write and calculate, at least able to write down answer on paper. Maybe it was the age where my consciousness start to develop. As the system of symbols lies within our consciousness or sometimes I refer it as EGO or Persona according to Jung. I’m terrible with words even since school. I never got A or even B in any English Test in my entire life but here now me writing down story slices of my life in english instead of my native language. I never imagined myself to become a writer or at least have hobby in writings since I am very bad with it. But, maybe, me struggling with symbols in entire life made me realized earlier than anyone else even before my parents that I could “see” between the lines, the meaning of the symbol including aware me as symbol. I vividly could remember when my father give response to his siblings by complimenting (I guess) on my mind matured than my age after I could understand “adult’s hints” instantaneously. And yet terrible with when dealing with any kind of symbols.

What is symbols? What it looks like? Why we have one? Borrowing definition from internet — Symbols is (1) a mark or character used as a conventional representation of an object, function, or process, e.g. the letter or letters standing for a chemical element or a character in musical notation and/or (2) a thing that represents or stands for something else, especially a material object representing something abstract. But for me it representation of (....) into something our conscious mind, so our ego could perceived it as we see on system of languages, system of number and currency, poetry, arts, everything including our conception on god.

The man of symbol. What a peculiar concept of man I developed at age 23 and it took me 3 years to be able to put it in words with help with Jung writings, they help me to describe my concept into words. Back to the question why we have one, why we have a system of symbols such as words. Depend on what culture and languages you grew up with, most words is the symbols of sound we make specific to particular language. Like Arabic which I still struggled with it, each letters have specific makhraj or where the sound produced. Or even for roman letter which I still remember we have image of faces with different orientation of mouth while following the trace of word in preschool practice book. The system of symbols developed alongside with the growth of our consciousnesses. Most of the symbols is something we humanity created for ourselves, to communicate, to preserve information and wisdom, including to represent of who you are.

Have you noticed? Have you aware? on yourself. Let’s say you need to introduced yourself maybe let’s say toward your future in-laws or your future employer. You might introduced with many kind of symbol like what your occupation are, what is the name of company or if government what position you hold. How much money you make each year, what car’s brand you drive. What type of cloth you wear, your mother judging if your future wear hijab or not. The brand of them, which you play other symbols to represent you like if you want to be seen as high status person you might wear a Rolex or any luxury items. Even religion play the system of symbols. Since symbols have abilities to grouping like how equation able to group the numbers. However symbolism is too simple to interpret our universe, our unconscious mind or even god. It’s not surprise to me as symbolism belong to our consciousness, the same place we place our ignorance. Thus, what do you feel so far? Hopefully you are okay so far since I was just warm-up. Back to previous chapter or a prologue for this trilogy — the man of religion. It’s beginning the journey and like most other people I started as man of symbols. We used the system of symbols to represent on who we are. But being muslim is quite different experience with other religion like Christianity have cross, Hindu and Chinese Taoism have multiple deity/gods they worship. But us muslim have unique system of symbol which people have lost grip on what Islam is. Why we perceived the arabs cultures such as clothing as symbols of Islam. Won’t you remember what our First Sultan of Malacca remind us to not confused with what Arab wear with the teachings of Islam by be true to our culture. Let’s ignored the Islamic scholar appearance as they used that as uniform(a symbol) for their occupation. In this era, where people try to monetize religion with their products and all of this just keep people confused with the symbols from the true meaning of Islam.

Several years ago, I had a peculiar vivid dream where I am was sitting leg crossed on the floor, wearing sarong and just a mere t-shirt. In front of me, there is a woman wearing full hijab with niqab, brown colored sitting politely while speaking arabic to me. For the info, I have no idea what she talking about and I have zero background in. Arabic except enough to recite the Quran and identifies it is arabic. But I keep listening to her with a smile on my face, enjoyed like a children watching their first cartoon while don’t understand what the story all about. Between us have book, opened and written in arabic with definitely not a the Quran. I keep switching between her eyes and the pages of the books but it was useless how ignorant I am to understand the situation are until I captured her two last words since Malay language also had an influenced from arabic language. It is “KalimatulHaq”. I woke up and confused at the beginning. There were three elements in that dream: Arabic languages, The Books and the Women wearing niqab. These three things is the symbols toward something I might need to wonder what it represents. With many languages, why arabic is used? Why not the voices I used to hear before which it didn’t have languages but yet I could understand it but can’t express in word if you ask me. And what kind of book is that? It’s hand written but in unusual orientation, more like a journal to me. And why women and wearing niqab? Honestly, I preferred free hair woman, with straight short hair not passing their shoulder where her nape is visible. Who the hell she is? Is her my future wife or a element of distraction since I keep switching my attention hence and forth. We don’t know yet. But the most important is the phrase which I could capture at last minute, “KalimatulHaq” which also could be translated as “The Words of Truth”. In the same year, I start my journaling in my Notes App since much easier since my handwriting is not something I proud with. In the next year, I quit my job to join STAM entry level program at Pondok to start study arabic, fardhu ain and also other stuff for a short moments before the school was shut down due to the pandemic hit on the world in 2020.

I believe it was this moment I realizes how ignorant we are with the symbols of Islam from it’s true meaning of submission. Remember Angel Gabriel ask what Islam is? Our Messenger reply with 5 pillar of Islam which are: 1) Shahada 2) Salah (prayer) 3) Fasting in Ramadhan 4) Zakat 5) Hajj These five are the symbols for being Muslim. Shahada – the submission of our ego, Prayer – the submission of our time and age, Fasting – the submission of our pleasure, Zakat – the submission of our wealth and but not least Hajj – the pilgrimage, the return to the origin. Then I ask myself if me give up everything, submit all on I mentioned above, do I no longer need to practice those symbols? The answer is YES. But, at the same time you’re crazy. Just giving up the ego is enough for you to disqualified to practice 5 pillar of Islam and giving up means ego mean losing your consciousness like sleeping/comatose or went madness. There is saying in Islamic culture where those on street is not crazy but their souls are with god. We look at them as chaos since they honest to themselves like a babies.

This happened across almost to all religion. Me personally admires Chinese Tao philosophy but not the one where Chinese nowadays practicing, burning incense in front of the idol and every Chinese deity since is basically the system of symbol that means nothing but have capacity to unite them. I read Tao Te Ching and despair to watched the loss of Chinese wisdom and civilization in modern era where they attracted with another system of symbol which is status and money while keep practicing their ancestor traditions in order to not lose their identity, their persona, their ego as Chinese.

I also take interest in Hindu philosophy since malayan also used to be Hindu-Buddhist community and our language have some influenced from Sanskrit. I’m not interested to discuss it how complicated Hinduism since it is not a religion or even philosophy but it’s their whole civilization and of course they also use system of symbol to unite the communities. I have little knowledge about them so I can’t speak more about it but they definitely to dead serious with their system of symbols.

You noticed there a lot of kind of symbols to represent god in different culture. But that’s where the phrase “KalimatulHaq” struck me the most. I believed I found the answer the meaning of that phrase or atleast one of them. And that is: ٰ “There is no God...(except) only ALLH (ٱلل``ه in arabic)”. Yes, the shahada. Most Gods that exist today are the concept mankind created to represent what conscious mind could perceived for something beyond man intelligence. Hence, what happen when unable to comprehend truly? That the idea of bridge between two world is originated. It could be in form of many kind of symbols we invented, a book, a prophet, a messenger, a sage, a hero. And those people who happened to be among the chosen have duties and become a man of faith. There is an attitude toward life I observed among the man of symbols. They serious with life, be a provider father, a supportive wife, a diligent worker. But if you keep being too serious in life, deadly serious, that where forgot we simply playing a game and killing each other for benefits. Become confused with symbol from their real meanings as we confused money with wealth, a education degree with knowledge. Also means, this level of man tend to be easily manipulated with carrot and stick, reward and sins, hope and fear. To keep playing.

There is much more I want to share about this topic but I afraid I need to stop here. At least for now.

Before we learn about the criteria of people of faith. We need to fully comprehend what it mean by having faith. People who have established belief architecture in their axiom does not always mean they could apply faith on their action. Beside, act of faith is quite opposite with act of belief. Thus, we need to understand what belief first before we jump into what is faith. However, I am not going to fully explain and describe in this post since it is a phase of action unlike the previous stage of man — the man of symbols. I could write a whole book for the man of symbols but we all know which people could create almost anything to describe this universe. Geologist could write a whole book only to describe rock. But a symbols does not mean anything, ancient people already could benefit many kinds of rock without a book, it is just a tool for us to egonize the whole creation and I don’t want to waste my time with symbols.

Belief is the sense of hope and fear toward a set of belief system either we create or given not limited to religion only. Let’s say you are looking for husband material to be your partner. What you hope and fear from future partner is defined by a set of criteria on physical/material symbolism and personality. Imam maturidi also said the belief is like a pair of wings between hopes and fear. But, do you know what inside of feather? Hollow. If one day I turned to be an evilish person I could become. I would manipulate people belief through hope and fear. That’s exactly what anti-christ or Dajjal would do — manipulating people hope and fear with symbolism which we already confused and manipulated by the convention of fiat currency. Hence, being a believer means we hoping to symbolism to be true or fear on probabilty of pain and suffering. Which is a whole different of attitude with people of faith.

Man of faith cannot be treated as position like we treated in social hierarchy. To be people of faith is a journey, a test, an adventure, a process to learn who they really and back to the nature of humanity which before being deluded with our own world created with symbolism to satisfy our needs and desires in this world. There are many kind of process which exist in human history such as heroic journey, abrahamic adventures, existential crisis and much more and marriage is one them, thus I would use this example since it applies to lot of us. Marriage are not limited to satisfy our need and desires but it also a path of faith adventure to learn who we really are through the reflection of ourselves on our partner and who know what else you could stumble upon to. But it only could be done if you apply act of faith or else you will be playing around in the circle of symbolism like a trap mathematical question.

What it really takes to become a people of faith? The key of faith is trust, truly abandon and submission. But trust is the fear thing to do since it put us a vulnerable state which why only some would want to be one of them. As I said before, it quite opposite with belief where at this stage, you might need to abandon hope and fear which also mean you are going to challenge your own status quo and comfort. At least for the while in journey. Having hope and fear will mostly distract you in the path of faith, what you need to accept, to let go, to trust and must never give up. Do not give up. This is the moment where you are the most vulnerable but with trust you give, you gain the power. It could be divine help or mystical help. It could be a journey where paved the road alone or with someone you love. Love and trust is the same thing to me where both just really means submitting ourselves without demand of return. Trust is the beginning of love. The moment you could trust other, you gain the divine energy called love.

You might wonder who you should trust? Naively to trust false messiah might destroy you instead saving you. That where the point of your journey, to learn of who you are, once you know who you really are you would know who or what to trust which is to trust yourself as the you now is fake created by our Ego/Persona. What I am writing here is not the information or concept, not even a knowledge. But a merely preface of the knowledge which you will gain soon. The knowledge comes from the experience like reading book from one author to another author discover where the knowledge comes from. Once you reach the realization, that is where you become the peak of man evolution — the man of virtue.

Quoting from eastern philosopher: “he enter the forest, no trace leave by him, he drink the water from lake but no waves made”. What a peculiar way of sayings, what it means “..becomes the forest”? For the first 2 phase of man evolution we have been known before took me about 10 years since the age of 15 where this is where divine guidance were bestowed upon me (read prologue).

My basis of reasoning of mainly used to be influenced by Islamic scholar which why I have been stuck with my ‘experiencing’ until the man of faith which famously explored by many scholars such as from Imam Ghazali on Ihya Ulumuddin translations and summary books about it which my favorite of reading when I was in secondary school. Since I was a school librarian and head of school librarian at final year give me more time and opportunity to spend my most school period at library after classroom. In fact, I used to skip classes such as mathematics modern subject since I always got A and let my math teacher to focus slow-witted student in class learning while . Even though sometimes the teacher was sulk about my behavior without knowing my real intention.

Back to the concept of virtue, based on english dictionary, virtue means a behavior of highest moral standards. Which brings the man of virtue meant a human being with behavior of high moral standards. But to talk about virtue is difficult without a representation which humanity could understand and took example on it. Hence the concept of prophet and messenger of Truth give foundation on semitic culture on show to be virtuous man. Nietzsche have similar perspective with mine in book “thus wo spoke zarathustra” where he took a prophet and his message as foundation to his concept except I was using Muhammad SAW as preferred role model back in secondary even before I aware on Nietzsche at age 25(last year). One thing I realizes, trying to be Muhammad is impossible because he is unique and nobody could become him but instead, he shows me on what it is to become a virtuous man.

However, nobody could become one. It is not a role where we could be working hard or smartly to be one like we treated it as some kind of occupation or position like to become a prime minister, president, nor a scholar. Quoting from Lao Tzu: “A man of the highest virtue does not keep to be virtuous and that is why he has virtue. A man of the lowest virtue never strays from being virtuous and that is why he is without virtue.”

Virtue man is the man who could see “GOD” and moves like “GOD” wanted him to be. He is like a leaf flowing on the stream of river. Normal people could only see the leaf, but the man who have virtue in him could see the streams, the power, the truth, the love, the Way!

Which is why a prophet a perfect example, they are free from sins since they acted exactly on ALLH’s path. You might say they are the chosen ones, who us compared to them. But if you are thinker, you will acknowledge ALLH don’t choose them as example if He knows the rest would never to become like them. We could.

These men comes with many names across the culture but I preferred to use “Muhsin” and “Mukhlasin” which rarely discussed among islamic preacher since not all of them is one of them. Muhsin is the man who have Ihsan and Mukhlasin is the man who have Sincerity without forcing to be sincere. Ihsan is worshiping God as if they see Him, and although they cannot see him, or they undoubtedly believe that He is constantly watching over them and the first key to it is full submission, or in Chinese way of speaking is fully let go ourselves to the way (Tao).

The man who have virtue have unworldly of generosity and sincere. In fact their attitude toward life is sincere, they work sincerely, they fight sincerely, they love sincerely. The word sincerity have been a big question mark since it was difficult to gain sincerity. Actually it is not, at least not what I had seen and fallen to it. But if you ask me what it is and describe it in words, I can’t and it never will. Hence we used generosity as an expression of sincerity and I found nothing could compare to Taoist philosophy on the man who have highest generosity in them: “The way nourishes to the left as well as right. It accomplish its task yet lays claim to no merit.”

If in Islamic concept the highest sincerity, they are the one who lives their life lillahitaala. The path of virtue, is the sacred path, the path for excellence. Only the one who have light in his heart without acquiring other’s light could be one. They are the one who realize who he is, the one who had digging the well until he found the Source which enlightened his heart and mind with Love and Truth. Full and gushes out from the well and nourishes the one who closes to them like how ZamZam wells nourishes the desert of Mecca. Alhamdulillah.

Part I Depression. Anxiety. Stress. A neurosis triads I discovered at age 18 when addicted with Anime with broken heart watching those character ruins their life and let myself fall to it, to experience it, to taste it and learn from it so I could save other unlike those anime character I had watched. Become a hero. The star who shines in darkness and brings hope for those who lookup toward sky for direction. The only method to experience those is falling to them, lost in the way and being naive and youth is biggest factor to accomplish it. Which later I realized, you can’t save others, people saving another is impossible. But you could lend a hand, the rest you need to walk by your own.

I suffer because I decided to. So people didn’t need to experience what I have experience. My experience might be superficial since that what I want in beginning but later it become worsen until I said: “ okay enough is enough” and decide to start looking for cures for years starting need to look for poison first before formulating the cure for myself. The intensity of severity might be different between us, and it will be arrogance and ignorance of mine to say I understand what you have been gone through. It must be hard isn’t. When nobody could understand us, makes us feel lonely and hopeless and yet keep fighting to live on. But you know, star also is alone in vast universe, but at earth we saw them thousands shining in the darkness of night. There are not alone. We are not alone. Together, we become constellations which guide and inspires humanity.

My experience in depression happened back in army training for 3 years (as cadet officer) and at the worst point of my condition I slept for 3 days 2 night until my housemate enter my room through windows, with suicidal thoughts keep lingering inside my head. There was a time the army training, where we learn to do military rappelling and flying fox. The instructor ask me do I scared, I’m not. In truth, I want to jump and die (hahaha). I believed feeling depressed is normal and it is a part of being alive. You can’t appreciate joy without counterpart of it. But 3 years as cadet officer are nothing but 3 years of depression despite I’m having best student life, I don’t have problem with money unlike any students since I have my scholarship with army allowance, I bought my first vehicle – motorcycle with cash, academic? I don’t take them too seriously since I never want to go university in the first place but I stay there since I promised to myself to keep staying here if I got scholarship and I did, as long my CGPA is above 3.00 is enough for me to fulfill scholarship requirement. Studying for degree scroll? I don’t attend to my own convocation and it already decided during my first semester witnessed by my housemate. Because only with ignorance could enjoy them as symbols of achievement. Back to cause of depression, it solely because of I put myself in military environment which is toxic for hyper-creative person like mine. No freedom nor I can’t be myself. I started to curse at this moment and now I already forgot to curse like how I used to be in army. Means I never meant for military environment and yet putting myself in position which not belong to who I am. And that’s it! My cause of depression. Our cause. We unjust to who we are. Which later then, we start compare ourselves to other including our past self – like we used to be this and that but now we no longer can’t due to health reason whatsoever or depressed from previous relationship and stay heartbroken from break up many years ago. Why? Because we are living in the past! Last year (2021) I was having a conversation with colleague of mine, he of course older and senior than me (I rarely interested with same-age conversation, since my mental age to old for this youngster talks, nobody remind to death since it was depressing), My colleague shares his experience and passion and he openly share this which he never shares to anyone, where he exposes his vulnerabilities to stranger and he was depressed when he was my age. At the end of conversation, I gave comment genuinely which we having depression because we unjust to who we are. Unjust or “zalim” means we put things to not where it belong. If we force a square box into circle hole, it is normal for that items to be “de-pressed”. Hence, we need to learn on who we are, what is our vitality since each one is unique one to another. If you are very high openness (creativity trait), you can not live without being creative other wise you just suffer in day to day. If you are agreeable person and mostly women are, you need to have healthy relationship and be married otherwise you just live day to day comparing to other which worsen the depression. If you are diligent type, you need to have some work to do, otherwise it drive you crazy being not able to do anything like what I used to saw on my late grandparents. Always have work to do, because they can’t stay quiet (May ALLH bless their souls). If you are social guy, you need to meet another human being, the movement control order (MCO) due to pandemics in 2020 shows the increasing of mental health endemics mainly we stuck at home, cutting off the human connection. Obesity or not in healthy physique, alcholic, sex and masturbation, all-day with your smartphone or any kind of escapism tricks, many things we often overlooked that we have unjust to ourselves but you wonder why depressed all the time.

Sometimes we fall into depression without we asked for it, but to remain depressed is our choice. I can’t save you from depression neither your closed friends nor your own family could, you need to save yourself. We here are not the savior but mere passerby that lays his hand for you to get out from that place. Learn who you are and put yourself into where it should belong, be just to who you are, express yourself through writing, song, dance, sport, anything. Don’t know to start? Maybe you could start read or watch inspiring film like such as Hindustani movie called “3 Idiots” and importantly ensure yourself is in optimal body shape, try to gain athletic or at least in healthy enough to provide more possibilities to your actions. Scary? You are not alone like I said. Look up to the sky and see the magnificent of star, there are not alone despite the distance between them is hundred thousands of light years.

Part II We often confused between stress and depression since both shares similar effects on mental health – body become weak, losing in conscious capability. But depression made somebody lost the taste of joy in life, no matter how luxury your life to be, you genuinely unable to savor the joy of it except through ignorance. Stress however, is mental burden piled up in our brain. If depression like a box forced into circle hole, stress however, we loaded the fluid inside the container until it exploded(burnout), kebabom! It could be anything, stress of studying like memorization, managing people especially child since they are honest to themselves, I acknowledge I am difficult to be managed unlike other my colleague because I decided to honest to myself, I am chaotic like nature of this universe. It chaotic because you force to control everything. That’s it, the cause of stress. I tried to control everything. I realized this back in army training where I need to comply order from Young Officer (Y.O.) to accomplish task orderly but human are nature organism, there are not machine and yet I keep forcing to control everything suits to my ego/consciousness.

Thus, the main cause of stress is we take life too seriously and control everything and that was the biggest problem of the man of symbol. All because of you lack of sincerity in your heart, hence, people replaced it with seriousness like how people replaced empty space which supposedly meant for love with convention on respect especially in army culture which everything based on respect not love. Men are created equal, hence respect never exist except the role we all need to play, play the role as husband and wife, children and adult or much more role in life and occupations. Life is just a play. Hence read and learn to be man of virtue and play your role sincerely. Last but not least, anxiety. I had my worst anxiety where at certain point I took prescribed anxiolytic drugs to calm my nerve from having another panic attack. The cause of panic attack mainly because of other reason, I learn I have PTSD which is not a surprise with the way of life I have decided to constantly gamble on my life and challenge the status quo together with what I went through on my childhood trauma. Hence, what actually happens? To me it was sudden defense mechanism when I face with the fear compared to my insecurity and my biggest fear during that time is the fear toward myself which also not a big surprise since I was asking for it by reading psychology book from Jung Collected Works and experience everyday night dreams which I struggled to understand who am I. Why we fear? The biggest fear is the fear to the unknown like ghost, monster or wild animals because you can’t predict them, darkness and whatever you can’t comprehend and the biggest cause is the fear of the future since nobody could know what future could because the future don’t exist, time is now. But fear to myself is peculiar since the subject of fear is Me as one of the unknown. No wonder people see as enigmatic person even own my parent admit, they could understand my other siblings, but me to them is the biggest mystery for them which why I can’t establish matrimonial relationship because women seek for security and stability, except the one who searching for truth and love with the faith in them which is super rare on modern women. Besides that, I met multiple people who have anxiety issue and it was the reason: everyone have fear within them, fear becoming unmarried and left alone in the future, fear to make mistake in judgement in work, fear toward abusive threat either from criminal or from your own boss. Every fear you have because you have no knowledge about them. Hence, read and learn your fear like malay sayings: “tak kenal maka tak cinta”. Once you experience gain the knowledge there is fear then. I remember this quote by Sun Tzu from Art of War when I read them during senior cadet officer in my army training: “Know yourself, Know your enemy, in hundred battles there will be no fear”.

You might wonder why I choose this path. Why I’m intentionally going through pain and suffering. At first, it was just my curiosity with many questions lingering inside my head and urges to save and help others like hero I aspire to be. But turns out it gives a pearl(ironic since pearl is the product of damaged oyster tissue recovery), and the biggest gift lessons I learned is sabr (patience). Sabr is not means suppressing yourself on the emotions, feelings, actions nor desires, but it is capability to accept or redha to the course of the way and that was the quality of being the man of virtue.

Money has been with us even before we are born and has been used by our parents, grandparents, great grandparent, great-great- grandparents, and before them. Some cultures have deities or gods associated with money to show how close the relationship we have with money. People really love money, and nowadays people much love their money more than their honor — what pitiful souls. However, there is a small percentage of us who hate money because of many reasons. For such, some believe money is the source of evil, a root of greed. Some also believe that money is often associated with arrogant aristocrats and don’t want to his current images polluted by devilish stereotypes. Or there are some people like who hate money because of its true nature which I will explain later, but I still like gold and silver. They are indeed beautiful, like a woman.

Money, it is a unique convention that only existed in homo sapiens compared to other animals’ kingdoms. Even though, the existence of money solves the issues in the barter system such as the rightful amount or quantities for certain wealth to be exchanged between parties justly, and reduces the dispute in trading since money is a convention that communities using them is agree with its mechanism and mathematical solutions. Before we fall deep into the mechanism of money, let’s our thoughts wander for a moment. Imagine, what if we still use the barter system and what a society looks like on a functioning barter system. What it took to make them successful. (...) I believe humanity is going to be much wiser, and prosperous in morals and attitude but with the price, technological advancement may fall behind. Since what it takes to a functional barter system is placed on mankind themselves, they need to trust themselves, have no resentment, and realized who they really are, and their roles and keep contributing to societies that are impossible for us due to our ignorance. We no longer trust others even ourselves, hence, one day someone creates a symbol that we called it as money to put our trust in the name of solving a dispute among traders. A king, an emperor have duties to solve the dispute among his people and citizen put their trust in the king to solve their disputes hence the trust toward the king is often symbolized in form of metal, coins, paper with the name of kings, sultan or emperor and using it’s weight or number describe the price on the market. But symbols like numbers are too simple to explain the universe. For a simpler analogy, my kidneys may price thousands of Ringgit or dollars in the market, but to me my kidneys are priceless.

In general, that money is the symbol of trust which has been lost on mankind in this era. You can’t simply come to a stranger’s house and ask to stay for nights. I believe there are some people out there welcoming their guests into their houses despite being completely stranger. But you could go to any hotel, house inn, and homestay and spend the nights as long you have money for them in exchange for trust and services. Deep down in humanity, we lack of trust and we crave for it. The richest is not about how much money you have, but how much trust you can give.

It is important for a majority to have their system of symbols in their life. It stabilizes their existence as sentient entities as we need religion or ‘ugama’ to stabilize our beliefs. Hence, money stabilizes our trust system in societies.

This is the perfect time to rethink on the purpose of money and its value which we’re seeking for. Is it worth the sacrifices? Do we actually fulfill what we working for? Did we have been living in as a ‘modern slave’ where you can not survive without being a part of the rat race and having others authorize our life? Is this freedom that our ancestors fought for? Why did even happen? Why is money often accused as a source of evil? Answer this question: Is gun evil? Is the police firing a gun to protect the citizen considered evil? But if the murderer uses it to kill an innocent man is considered evil? In the end, a gun is just a tool we used to pursue the ‘value’ we seek such as safety, food, knowledge, and much more. Hence, what is money? To me, money didn’t have any value. It is just a symbol to represent the value in terms of price, or rather it is just a metric of the wealth we have like land, fungible assets, and non-fungible asses. And the real value is determined by what we give, by what we contribute or service.

In the primitive era where humanity used a certain material as a metric for pricing items such as gold and silver which were commonly used in early civilization. It is a simpler mechanism than gold have they have its own value, as a precious metal with a bunch of attractive features including didn’t rust compared to iron we use it for dentistry, and have the potential for technological advancement on this material. However, that was a rational argument that I used to protect my image. To be honest, that metal is beautiful and since they didn’t rust, their beauty was preserved much longer. Isn’t what we did with cosmetics products? To preserve the beauty of women to look younger than their real age.

With better technological advancement, humanity can manufacture money using paper. But it was more treated like how we give our child a degree certificate from an education institution to qualify this person of the scroll is trustworthy to carry out the duties of the specific position to them. Maybe, that’s why I didn’t want to come on my own convocation for my bachelor degree. It is so stupid If I could enjoy it except for those who are blatant ignorance. I keep challenging my own status quo to remind you having degree is just a symbol we used to represent ourselves. However, our degree is to simple to describe of who we really are — the problem is you won’t know who you are. And this ‘I don’t know’ gives you the opportunity to have your own adventure. Nevertheless, with the invention of paper money or banknote which we have today with sophisticated printing technology and selective material used to prevent third parties from forgery. This is the era where we start branding our money based on what governance it produced and the integrity of money and its currency value depends on how well the governance is either on the bank or government. Compared to gold and silver which are used in the medieval period, the coins accepted pretty much anywhere that accept the concept of money since the material itself have their own value.

Unlikely for paper money or banknotes or cheques, the value of money are protected by the government or banks in form gold and silver which also known as gold standard currency. Instead of giving people use real gold and silver circulated among them, the citizen of the state are given state’s brand paper as currency and it’s value of currency relies with how much gold reserve backed on banknotes which much more complicated mechanism that before because now we have gold reserve to protect and maintain while keeping the trust system of citizen in check. Since 1970’s until now however, whole world, countries have move forward with new, much more sophisticated mechanism with full of delusive and manipulative mechanism controlled by banks which called as fiat currency.

Before we gone deep in fiat currency which is the reason why I hate money because it have full of tricks and manipulation and I’m not too stupid to not aware of them. Let’s get back with the progression money. Started with barter system where we unable to solve the dispute among two parties because of resentment we have on exchanged item quantity, hence we using trust system on mathematical solution using material we agreed upon like gold and we shape it and weigh it to specific metric as our reference for trading. One day, we no longer could trust people with gold circulating among the citizen, the gold might fall into enemy state and use it for funding for the war. Hence the state decide to keep the precious metal in vault and protected from being circulated toward enemy state and released nickel and cotton paper as symbols of money and currency value backed by gold standard and their governance. All the name of lack of trust – Humanity indeed have trust dilemma. But doing so simply putting target behind your back. There are some conspiracy theories I heard before regarding fiat currency but here is not the place to discuss those topics. Let’s reveal the true nature of fiat currency we have now used as money. The funny is my parents still believed our currency is backed by gold. Yes, fiat currency is still young in age about five decades compared to previous type of money used in past. And we all noticed the banknotes are issued by separate entity which commonly are central bank or federal reserve. But, why I hate fiat currency so much? Well, it relates to the belief and religion of Islam. The danger of riba’ (usury).

Common people will only saw the usury when we are making loan with bank. No, it didn’t end with that. The entire currency system we used are riba’ no matter you are using a hard cash or credit card. As long we agree to use fiat currency as our monetary system, we unknowingly contributing for disaster because of riba’. To understand how riba’ works in simpler analogy: Person A have petrol station and own multiple kind of vehicle. One day person B who desperately need to use vehicle to go for work as taxi driver decide to borrow car from person A and agree to lend one of his vehicle in condition person B could only fuel his car from person A’s petrol station in agreement.

This is riba’(usury).

Imagine if Person A is banks and Person B is the government, the same time the world just start recovering from world war where government have exhausted their resources for defense and military. The only money left is financial institution who hold people’s deposit money. However, people’s money is scarce and not enough to fund a loan for development but one thing that bank have in their image — Trust. What a perfect recipe for money. Hence, if we want to apply for loan for a house, car we unknowingly we agree using fiat currency printed by them in our daily lives to pay for fuel, pay bills et cetera. The reason why living cost is increase while the salary were not. Because we play a wrong game. Supposed the worker need to treat his service like a loan with establishing new kind of statutory body and the employer need to pay employee as he paid with his installments and abide to changes of changes of OPR (overnight policy rates) but this might never happen because we are too late. Riba’ didn’t just meant usury but also mean exploitation and unjust.

Inflation? Increasing living cost? Unaffordable house price? Of course we experienced this and later our grandchildren are the one who most suffered one day once the capitalist successfully occupies most land and resources while the rest still living in rat race to make money to survive while having desire for temporary financial freedom just for himself. Wake up! We are leading to catastrophes, a chaos of mistrust and unjust where we are no longer able to trust justice.

Fiat currency may benefit us on short-term. It makes people have more money than before, pause the next world war and rapid technological and urban development since money no longer a scarce. The potential of humanity is lies on human itself and trust is the key to unlock the potential. Similar trick we did to our children. But in long term, soon the expanding balloon will blow up and realized we have been manipulated in the name of trust, the betrayal of the system of trust we blindly followed.

Having this realization remind me with what being prophesied before, where in the end of the times, nobody could escape from riba’. And here we are. A life and society full with lies and manipulation.

The launch of a our own chat.AI powered by OpenAI API is an exciting development for us looking to leverage the power of artificial intelligence (AI) to improve community service. ChatGPT is a natural language processing (NLP) system developed by OpenAI that can generate human-like conversations with customers. This technology has the potential to revolutionize customer service, allowing companies to provide more personalized and efficient interactions with their customers. The mechanism behind ChatGPT is based on a deep learning model called GPT-3, which stands for Generative Pre-trained Transformer 3. This model uses large datasets of text to learn how to generate human-like conversations. The model is trained on millions of examples of conversations, allowing it to understand the context and generate appropriate responses.

By leveraging this technology, companies can create chatbots that are able to respond in a natural way and provide helpful information to customers. The advantages of using ChatGPT are numerous. For starters, it can improve community service by automating many routine tasks such as answering FAQs or providing information. Additionally, it can improve customer satisfaction by providing more personalized interactions with customers. Finally, it can help companies gain insights into customer behavior by analyzing conversations and providing valuable feedback on how they can improve their services. On the other hand, there are some potential disadvantages associated with using ChatGPT as well. For example, the system may not be able to understand complex questions or provide accurate answers in certain situations. Additionally, there may be privacy concerns associated with using this technology as it could potentially collect sensitive information from customers without their knowledge or consent.

Overall, ChatGPT has the potential to revolutionize customer service and provide organizations with powerful insights into their customers’ needs and preferences. It could also contribute significantly to humanity by helping people access information more quickly and easily than ever before. With its ability to generate human-like conversations and provide personalized responses, ChatGPT could be an invaluable tool for businesses looking to improve their customer service experience and gain valuable insights into their customers’ behavior.

Written by chat.AI, edited by (al.) Here’s Carl Jung’s speech: “People forget that even doctors have moral scruples and that certain patient’s confessions are hard even for a doctor to swallow yet the patient does not feel himself accepted unless the very worst in him is accepted too. No one can bring this about by mere words. It comes only through reflection and through the doctor’s attitude towards himself and his own dark side.

“If the doctor wants to guide another, or even accompany him a step of the way, he must feel with that person’s psyche. He never feels it when he passes judgment. Whether he puts his judgments into words or keeps them to himself makes not the slightest difference. To take the opposite position and to agree with the patient offhand is also of no use. Feeling comes only through unprejudiced objectivity.

“This sounds almost like a scientific precept and it could be confused with a purely intellectual, abstract attitude of mind, but what I mean is something quite different. It is a human quality, a kind of deep respect for the facts, for the man who suffers from them, and for the riddle of such a man’s life.

“The truly religious person has this attitude; he knows that God has brought all sorts of strange and inconceivable things to pass and seeks in the most curious ways to enter a man’s heart. He therefore senses in everything the unseen presence of the divine will. This is what I mean by unprejudiced objectivity. It is a moral achievement on the part of the doctor who ought not to let himself be repelled by sickness and corruption.

“We cannot change anything unless we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses. I am the oppressor of the person I condemn, not his friend and fellow sufferer. I do not in the least mean to say that we must never pass judgment when we desire to help and improve. But, if the doctor wishes to help a human being, he must be able to accept him as he is and he can do this, in reality, only when he has already seen and accepted himself as he is.

“Perhaps this sounds very simple but simple things are always the most difficult. In actual life, it requires the greatest art to be simple. And so, acceptance of oneself is the essence of the moral problem and the acid test of one’s whole outlook on life. That I feed the beggar, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy in the name of Christ – all these are undoubtedly great virtues. What I do unto the least of my brethren, that I do unto Christ. But what if I should discover that the least amongst them all, the poorest of all beggars, the most impudent of all offenders, yay the very fiend himself, that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of my own kindness, that I myself am the enemy whom must be loved, what then? “Then, as a rule, the whole truth of Christianity is reversed. There is then no more talk of love and long suffering. We say to the brother within us, Raka, and condemn and rage against ourselves. We hide him from the world. We deny ever having met this least among the lowly in ourselves and had it been God himself who drew near to us in this despicable form we should have denied him a thousand times before a single cock had crowed.

“Healing may be called a religious problem. In the sphere of social or national relations, the state of suffering may be civil war and this state is to be cured by the Christian virtue of forgiveness and love of one’s enemies. That which we recommend with the conviction of good Christians as applicable to external situations we must also apply inwardly in the treatment of neurosis. This is why modern man has heard enough about guilt and sin. He is sorely beset by his own bad conscience and wants rather to know how he is to reconcile himself with his own nature, how he is to love the enemy in his own heart and call the wolf his brother.

“The modern man does not want to know in what way he can imitate Christ but in what way he can live his own individual life, however meagre and uninteresting it may be. It is because every form of imitation seems to him deadening and sterile that he rebels against the force of tradition that would hold him to well-trodden ways. All such roads for him lead in the wrong direction.

“He may not know it, but he behaves as if his own individual life were God’s special will which must be fulfilled at all costs. This is the source of his egoism, which is one of the most tangible evils of the neurotic state. But the person who tells him he is too egoistic has already lost his confidence, and rightly so, for that person has driven him still further into his neurosis.

“If I wish to affect a cure for my patients, I am forced to acknowledge the deep significance of their egoism. I should be blind indeed if I did not recognise it as a true will of God. I must even help the patient to prevail in his egoism. If he succeeds in this, he estranges himself from other people, he drives them away and they come to themselves, as they should, for they were seeking to rob him of his sacred egoism! This must be left to him, for it is his strongest and healthiest power.

“It is a true will of God that sometimes drives him into complete isolation. However wretched this state may be, it also stands him in good stead, for in this way alone can he get to know himself and learn what an invaluable treasure is the love of his fellow beings. It is, moreover, only in the state of complete abandonment and loneliness that we experience the helpful powers of our own natures.”

“What is hero?”

“What it takes to become one?“ “Am I prepared enough to be one?”

“Am I one?“ These are the questions I keep questioning myself ever since I was tiny child. Mainly inspired by the cartoon I used to watch in my childhood and in my teenage years memories such as following titles which give me the most impact on my personality such as The Last Airbender (FYI my first email have word airbender in it), Danny Phantom and Naruto. That’s why I concerned and still watch cartoon or story they feed up to our children, because they play a big roles in our child education and the growth of their personality. And I wondering why hero archetype often used in our education either formal or informal (folktales). What is the hero?

Most of us believed, hero is the chosen one. Nobody can’t be a hero, only the special with gifted with abilities or talent could be a hero. But I’m against to this idea because I want to become a hero that I wished to be. Saving the humanity. But how I could become hero if I don’t know what a hero is? How could I become a Muslim if I don’t know what Islam really is? How could I become a Mukmin if I don’t know what Faith is? How could I become Muhsin if I don’t understand what virtue really is? I suffered enough to find the hero within me. Yes. It exist, and so are you. Everyone have hero inside of them but nobody aware of it. Hero is not about what superpowers you have. How many people you have saved, or what people have calls on you. Hero is more on journey and known to yourself only rather than a title that you hold for yourself Only the hero know the other hero. If you save someone, you are a savior. If you provide to your family, You are just the provider even though your child might see you as hero for them because we use word hero as a title for achievement and it is normal for masses glorified their savior, leader, or even messiah as their hero. But, what is hero? There is book in my possession called “The Hero’s Journey” by Joseph Campbell who write down to us the pattern of hero archetype. It started with “the calling” and it happen (or will happen) to all of us, and it up to us to decide either to pickup the call or not. But it is not a luxury for the chosen ones like most prophet since they need to play their role’s. That’s why we rarely called the prophet and messenger of god as hero despite most of them experienced the similar pattern including the Call. However, not all have same calling that shares the same level of novelty and dramas. Some might need to slay the dragon while some may only need to slay the snakes, and some might not need to do anything. Like most women’s calling may be of her proposal to marriage and conceiving the child which happen the most for normal people even for a man. Then, you might wonder “Am I hero now?”. My answer will be — you could.

Like I said, hero is more on journey. And every journey comes with preparation. Like your marriage, it comes with preparation even though you might never ready for it. And the biggest preparation you need to make is to accept the calling. Are you willing to sacrifice your status quo and go to a journey? It take an attitude of gamble to your destiny or if you are religious person, I could rephrase it: it require your act of faith. What is act of faith? To simplify it, you don’t know but you trust it (believing is not enough). So either way, gamble or an act of trust is something we fear to do. If you went to a certain journey without this experience on fear to “gamble” your destiny or requires an act of faith at the beginning. You never begin. Heroic journey requires a leap of faith.

But should you gone down to this path of hero? The real question, would you? In the end, it up to us – whether to stay in your status quo or grow up!

Imagine you will be dead tomorrow, there is no day except now. What would you spend your lives so before sleep at night, with no regret.

Here is the confession of my awaken experience from my arrogance.

Being raised without any islamic symbolism teaching inside the household made me experienced the phase of changes from zero while being prejudiced by the environment as I was grown up in Malay Kampongs while my mother keep her free hair. I can’t read Quran or even Jawi back in the primary until I forced myself to learn by myself as my grade for Islamic studies always fail. (Also don’t attend Islamic Primary School) Started from secondary school, I start my Iqra’ diligently unlike before – I had studied Muqaddam before with my neighbors but I guess I can not serious and left it half way or my dreams on my 13 years old may have played its part. Then, when I started my form two, I was managed get into first class and met her, my longest crush. We were started as a friends of four as I was sit in front of her together with her buddy. My buddy, her buddy, her and I somehow started playing a role-play games in class, I played as grandfather(called as ‘atuk’) while my crush as grandma(‘nenek’) while our buddies play as granchild(cucu). It was not “cinta pandang pertama” case, but rather as a result from our friendship and interaction in class and I didn’t realize I have feelings towards her until I decided to gap our friendship (such as stop texting to her) in order to protect her honor and her family. Due to when I was 15 years old – friend of mine from another classroom ask me for justifying the other classroom speculations/gossip regarding me and her on having relationship more than a friend.

But I keep denying and lying to myself – “this is just a puppy love”. After graduated from secondary schools and foundation program then I started to admit it was something else comes with this feelings. It was ADMIRATIONS.

Apparently she were chosen to play important role for my growth. As an motivation for 14 years old teenager boy motivated to become worthy to be alongside her – she’s religious, had Islamic education from her parent, very good in reciting al-Quran, smart, love to read books and many more. She have what I did not have at the time – not religious, does not have islamic education, can not read Quran, and doesn’t read books to much as books considered as luxury items for low income family compared to her. I was embarrassed with my weaknesses and didn’t realized I cover my shame with my childish arrogance of my ego.

At age 16, after the event which I have write before that drastically changes my life, including affects on my apperances and attitude. I started to wear songkok and start improving myself Islamic studies on my own and being school librarian give opportunity to have access to Islamic books where the books is luxury for my home(even now). I started to learn and become more pious, until I reached at certain level where I did not aware which there is a invisible barriers within my heart. It was at age 17 years, still in secondary preparing for the biggest exam which I realized I hit the dilemma of pious people which will soon eventually faces – The Arrogance. But I was so young and naive on how to handle that truth, then let myself getting distracted with SPM and other worldly matter while keeping that “Arrogance of Pious” into my face for years especially toward girls. “No couple” is become my biggest pride. I’m grateful had found the cure for this arrogance of mine which been with me for years like the shard glass stays inside my flesh finally removed. I’M FREE! Through from her again, which who I have crush with for 10 years!

The Arrogance of Pious will always happen to those who devotedly in practicing a religious faith via symbolism. I could say they are drunk with their devotion. Believing they deserve a good rewards for their obedience, expecting novelty loving partner given you according to your standards, demanding mythical help or revelations from heaven towards you or worse believed you are special, the Chosen One!

Humbling themselves to be a humble is not the way. Realize!

Learn who you really are!

My classmates from secondary schools were perceived me as someone who serious in studies and academics and my efforts to keep my first rankings in classes show the proof of my commitment. But it is different story if you could asked what my friend view me in university, I am no longer serious with academics and yet still focus and give my commitment to finish my engineering.

People might view me as someone intellectual especially from my classmates in secondary schools. I am not. I can’t read, write or calculate until I was aged 10 year old. But afterwards, I suddenly be able to read, write and calculate and I moved to top class during standard 4 (primary school). Since then, I am just like anybody else, being able to learn. I become the pride for both my parents as I showing unique intellectual capabilities compared to other my siblings.

At the age of 13, I received a peculiar dream that changes the inside of mind. I believe it totally changes my wiring of billion of the neurons under my skull where since then I was start aware of my tolerance with truth and reality but keep myself to live in ignorance. Like a saying – ignorance is a bliss. Keep pushing myself to give good grades for my parents and also for myself because I believed good results in academics were promise for success in life.

In 2019, I was bedridden due to my illness and it was the day of SPM result announcement nationwide. My mother pick my result for me since I can’t move from my bed. It was the day where the results give no value for me but me lying on the bed is something I grateful. The experiences made me realizes, how stupid I am chasing after a paper and grade. Is this what God bestowed this intellect? For a paper? For a number and letter? How could I celebrated this!

This attitude still have in me resulting don’t have desires for any convocation of academics. I spoke to one of my housemates during first semester that I don’t want to attend my own convocation. Because it will be disrespectful to me in celebrating my hypocrisy. However, it might not apply for others – it just me feeling this way.

I am not saying academics is a waste of time, but if you want to study in college for a grade, for a paper. Don’t you think it is stupid? Despite, live now and learn for what inspires you and aspire to be! Learn with sincerity.

If you are clueless, let me ask – what are you looking for in life?

Good grades? Then what? Jobs? Then what? Partner? House? Car? Then what? You start to feel something missing in your marriage and desires to have children..Then what, you want your children to go school and have a good career, then what?

You start asking your child when to get married and the cycles keep going. What are you looking for?

Have no idea? That’s it! Learn. Use your mind to think.

It was the 2nd of the month of Ramadan this year, where the billions of muslims practicing the third pillar of Islam-Sawm. I was at airports and have my iftar there alone since my flight was delayed. I was in journey to meet my friend in Penang since this year will be our last ramadan together as bachelor due to he very soon, will be married on next month. This might be the only opportunity to revive those old vibes and experience we both shared during university life.

While I was at boarding gate in KLIA2. I met a vibrant American woman which also headed to the same destination. Apparently I was sitting beside her bag left unattended while she went to charge her iPhone. After she came back, she took her bag and went sat on the floor. I greeted her and “where are you from” – the most cliche Asian response toward Ang Moh. She replied “America”. Apparently she’s from Michigan and have been staying here with her Uncle and the family. She recently went to Krabi for Vacations with her uncle’s family but return to Malaysia via flight as she didn’t want to sit 8 hours in cars. But turns out didn’t went like her planned due to delayed flight.

“By the way, I’m al, A-L, al” while put out my hand towards her for a handshake. She took my hand while introduced her name. From sitting on the floor, she now sat next to me for having a conversation. I can see boredom in his eye and body language in the beginning, she was loitering around the boarding gate. In my thoughts “maybe I should start talk to her”. Then, I picked out book from my backpack and distract myself from those thoughts. But I am aware it was the ego kicks in. From our conversation, I learned something new. Since she was talking about her home in America. She mentioned “lent” while we talk about the current season of Michigan. I was totally no knowledge about lent and decided to leave it as no comment as I never heard about it before. She keeps talking about something else while me, most of the time, just listening. After we were called to board and wait in the line together. Still talking but now we talk about fasting and again she mentioned “lent”. Now I started to curious what it is “lent” actually is. To summarize her explanation, basically lent is Christian tradition where they would fasting in the period of time where the duration on daylight is much longer. They will give up a certain thing they like to do such as drinking, gaming, eating meat, and more, depending on each individual sacrifice.

People come and go, “every meeting comes also with separation” which what taoist master would say. I met her because of ALLH and we separated then also by ALLH, despite she is Christian and I am Muslim, I learn something valuable to me from this experience. First, insincere interaction is transaction, while sincerity in interaction demands nothing like a swan meeting itself in reflection of lake.

Second, it does help for my writing on next month to commemorate this holy month of the year. We will discover together, the meaning of this month.

“Thanks Shannon, nice to meet you too” – al

At the age 25, I cutting off chicken and meat from my diet and have been consistent since then. I am not fully vegetarian nor a vegan person but I’ll use that label if I eating out and ordering meals that possibly have chicken or meat in it – there is no need to waste. My behavior constantly put a big question mark inside the head who have known including my parent. They asked me why put the “limit” on yourself? I’m asking myself, “Am I?” I am not suppressing my self from eating meat despite, I will unconsciously rejecting whenever I put inside or even imagined it. Thus what “limit” which I have been restraining myself from?

In traditional Hindu society, there are the caste called Brahmin which most of them are the most “religious” compared to among. However, in ancient Hindu society, this caste were meant for the thinkers and bring humanity to higher state of consciousness. They practiced various kind of discipline including what they should consume, and not eating meat is one of them.

Then, I realized.

Indeed. I am “limiting” myself. To be specific, limit the ego-self’s desires. I didn’t realized I was taming the ego along the way and almost destroying him since he became weaker ever since I have been fasting from eating meat. Pleasure and Pain, is the fuel of the ego. In orthodox Christian, there is season called Lent where the followers will sacrifice one’s pleasure during this 6 week season. This is period of time where the Jesus fasting 40 days and night in Judaean Dessert. Where, this event teach us the Three temptation of Satan which all three of tempting on Man’s ego.

Fasting then became a pillar of Islam where muslim submit their pleasures on the month of Ramadan which believed the same period when Jesus fasting in the period of time where the daylight was much longer than the night. We submit our pleasure in name of ALLH by fasting in the month of Ramadan, without realizing fasting used to tame the ego which have drive ourselves away from ALLH.

Ancient Brahmins realized this and that’s why brahmin is the poorest caste. They shares the same attitude of fasting Jesus where not tempted by worldly desires.

Fasting is Ego Tamers.

What is confidence? It is a string that put the mask and real face together.

But, what is true confidence? The string don’t exist.

Let me share my experience in the journey of finding my confidence. When I was just finished my foundation, at that time I was interested to join sponsored Aircraft Engineer Program with Malaysia Airlines Academy. I was among the few who passed the written and IQ test and proceed to final interview. The interview was done in English which is my biggest weakness during that time – I never got A in English test in my entire life. Thus, I was called by one of the interviewee and told I’m not succeed with this interview. I asked why? He said, the program was looking for the role of Officer which could show high confidence level instead have a big brain. With that remark, I start my journey to build my confidence and that where why I force myself to get involved with Reserve Officer Training Unit, to look for “Officer” kind of confidence.

At the end of the training and we the 12nd Batch of UTHM unit’s Cadet Officer finally commissioned as Second Lieutenant, wear No.1 dress in white with shining golden epaulette and button. It is a pride moment for all of us accomplished our hard work and dedication to the training which require personal sacrifices of time and energy when we have the choice to live a normal student life, free weekend time to focus on studies and not bonded with particular of hard discipline even it was outside training hour. More importantly, now there is a title before your name – Lt. M. (Leftenan Muda). It boost your confidence and push yourself ahead from other students. You gain the respect you might never received before, treated nicely with respect. But you know respect is act to substitute the absent of love?

“Is this a confidence I have been looking for?”

“What a cheap confidence! Borrowing the confidence from a mere symbolism like title, clothing, big muscle of mine, money, STATUS! Which if I lost it, I’ll again fall into depth of darkness and again will put my time and energy to maintain something which definitely be ruined (no thing is permanent)”

Now I realize why most put up with their ridiculous effort and mental, for a insincere marriage or corporation. In order to maintain their confidence, a string that put together the mask, the persona, their ego! so they could keep play on this stage ignorantly. This is it! I need to let go my EGO! But, soon after I did, realized it is the most difficult thing to do. Getting rid my ego with my ego. From get rid my status as officer and became a corporation employee, then quit and became religion student at Pondok. Like if we peeling an onion as if you never know the onions, skin after skin, eventually turns into nothing. Exactly , the EGO don’t really exist and also the string.

Here is the antidote: Look for the Way. Free your mind and heart. Learn who you really are, the You who have been hiding behind the mask. “Tak Kenal Maka Tak Cinta” – To love yourself is by knowing who you really are, not a narcissistic love who love the symbols on them, but a sincere love like a mother who love her newly born baby. True Love born from the acceptance and trust to the Truth. And that is what give a true confidence, Love and Truth. They are not a string which put your ego and face together, they are not a symbol in the first place! – can you define Love and Truth? It is difficult to answer! You need to learn to unlearn before could understand what is beyond the symbols.

The Man who have Truth and Love within them give them the true confidence which a much superior from a cheap confidence you borrowed from a man-made symbols. What do you think that give me the confidence to write and publish the ‘intimate’ story of mine for you to read? You who read, is being loved by its writers like a husband who loves his wife, a parent who loves their children. Be true to who you really are, once you learn who you are, Be just(adil) to who you are, then contribute from the value you created.

What it takes to become an analyst?

Who are they and why I want to be an analyst?

When I started my career as analyst for local banks, these were the questions raised in my thoughts in order to perform better in my daily duties as analyst – to analyze things and made a better decision for each cases. Being a part of my team in Financial Intelligence Unit guide me to explore what really beyond the numbers and spreadsheet. I was analyzing human beings! Through the system of symbols called money, yes, like any other profession who studied and analyze particular subject like physician who analyze a person health through physical condition through a system a symbol which called as symptom, or physicist who study the universe through a system a symbol called mathematical equation. As we all learn in my previous chapter, a system symbols are incapable to reveal the true nature of universe including us – human beings.

In the beginning, I also started as “man of symbols” to play my role as an analyst. Observe and analyze each signs and red flags on every transaction, and made the decision out of them. Learn new things related to this symbols called money, read books about business, investment, economy which entirely new discipline for me who are graduate engineer and STEM student. However, it didn’t took long before I fall into stress and anxiety while performing my roles. As I said before in “man of symbol” chapter — to become a master of symbols, it require serious attitude. I need to be serious on what I analyze, getting as much of information I could before finalize my decision. I was asking myself on this question: “How much information I need to find to ensure the suspect are truly suspicious?”

Before I try looking for the answer. New question raised in my thoughts: “Why I ask myself those question?”

It is all because the anxiety of making a decision — Am I made a right decision or bad decision? This sense of insecurity have been plagued us for any decision we made, “should I marry to this guy or not?”, “should I buy this or not?” since we are betting our survival in each decision we made like in my case betting my own employment. No wonder the attitude “man of symbols” is serious. You become stress in what you do and require stress management plan like how mathematics were used by computer programmer to simplifying mathematical models to reduce stress level on computer processing unit (now I am talking like electronic engineering student). But we are not computer, we are human beings and stress management are not a true solution.

This is where next phase in “trilogy of man” started. How much information I need to find and embark on this journey finding out the end of this horizon. It took me only a year to realize this is no end!

The information I truly need to decide in any kind of situation is limitless, infinite! How much information you need of the girl or man which they are “the one” for you, while trying to answer this question, you decide to play a game called “going out” or dating for certain period of time, to learn about our partner. Soon you’ll realized, it took forever to take enough data and information about them to be considered as ideal partner. Soon you might just married them not on how much data you gain with logical reasoning, but mainly from emotion based.

For almost three years playing this game, I have bought more than hundred books in my collection heavily on psychology and philosophy to learn the behavior of human beings including how our minds works. Here is greatest gift I received from ancient wisdom I read in becoming superior analyst: “He who knows others is clever, He who knows himself has discernment.” — Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching By learning who we really are, projecting the self toward other, this is ancient art of analyst should master. Like what ancient war strategist said: “Know yourself, know the enemy. In hundred battles there will be no fear.” — Sun Tzu, The Art of War What it takes? Not seriousness we are looking for but learn trusting to own self of making a decision which you might have been connected with the hidden realm of knowledge which I called “the glimpse of truth” where no system of symbols including our own logical reasoning able to grasp the feeling of justice. But it is difficult, that’s why most rather to settle with seriousness attitude than become a man of virtue – the man of excellence.

Being young and naive, the realization of our own ignorance made us learn and mature to who we are. It includes what we have been learn through our previous relationship. I don’t emphasize on romantic relationship but all kind of relationship, relationship toward family members, friends, spouse, neighbors, including our relationship toward everything in this universe and this planet. And foremost, our relationship with the “God”.

When I embarked in “kalimatul haq” journey — learning to put my youth experience into words truthfully, thus, relationship is one of the those experience we are all shares. In fact, relationship is one of the key in learning who we really are because we cannot know ourselves by our own like how the knife cannot cut himself. When I started trying to codify what I had in my mind, I put myself in experiment, a vulnerable state where I proposing some of female friends for marriage in hoping for their rejection. From there, I started to learn about myself through these girls. To these girls: “I am sorry for using you for my experiment, but I do love you as I love myself and I wish for you to be partner with someone who truly sincere to who you really are except I was destined on His plan”.

Even the relationship with stranger can teach to who you are like my encounter with old man from previous story of mine by learning the arrogance of man toward his God. Like how the saying goes: “every meeting comes with the reason, but only for those use their mind will realize it”. You might wondered “why and how relationship exist in the first place?”. The only reason relationships still exist for you because you are living in illusion of separation. Relationship is the result of distinction between me and others, and what else who responsible in this other than our ego – “Kau kau, aku aku”. The one who realized we are actually One in disguise of Many, will treat other like how we treat to the self. Then, relationship re-existed merely on playing their roles on consciousness level. That is the virtue in relationship.

Relationship is needed for our conscious mind to interact with this whole universe and creations which the minds that associate with ignorance can not contain the truth. However, it is different attitude for the “soulmate seekers” while you might seeking “the one” except you will never find it. Until you realize one thing — There is no separation between the self and the other.

Realizing, your friends, pets, teammates, family member, or spouse(s) is also you at least metaphysically. It is “the one”, could be united under one particular symbol from our convention to easier for us to observe an example. It could be a flag or corporate brand, family name, or even a ring, except any of these does not mean anything. Those merely symbols we invent to represent something that beyond our consciousness mind could comprehend. The moment you realize there is no separation between You and I — this is the soulmate. Then, continue live as usual by playing your roles in symbolic lives as a husband or wife, as a parent or a child. But this time, you have the wisdom which made you free from the shackles of erroneous temptation of the devil.

But if you confuse soul-mate with sex-mate, I wouldn’t judge you since there is a relationship between sex and spirituality which why some cult have implemented orgies in their teaching of spirituality to be together as one or to be together as whole. I like this idea ideologically but this kind of act will disrupt the roles which we need to play in symbolic lives as a person (persona). Or I could rephrase it this kind of act will turn you a pig.

“What it means to be young?”

“What it means to be wise?”

“If I become both, how it’s gonna to be?

Having a thoughts like these give us the answer on the meaning of being a young. To explore and learn, having an adventure either alone or with a company, enjoying both pain and pleasure in the journey of growth. However, not all the journey created equal.

Being wise is the result from our experiences. It is the fruit of experience in life which called wisdom. In each fruit contain the seed which linked back to the origin which is the absolute truth. Hence, when you have the fruit, it liberated you from the hunger. Wisdom made a man free, can not be exploited nor manipulated. How do you want to lie when the truth is with him. You can manipulate and exploit someone who have the knowledge but not with those who wise.

Wisdom only comes from experience. If you are high-intellect minded person, it might need a short of time for you to learn from the experience or vice versa.

Hence what will happen if there is some one who high-intellect minded, having an outstanding journey and experience which made them wise at such a young age. It does happens now and did happened in mankind history. Most the prophet and messenger in abrahamic monotheistic religion is one those the young wise man. I still admired the courage to slap from Moses that unintentionally killed one of the pharaoh’s officer because there is no fear on him toward authority. Which indicated, the young wise man is a dangerous man. But, being a dangerous does not mean he is evil person, because those who have truth in him could influence the society, harming their status quo which have been built with foundation of lies and tyranny. Being a young means you are stronger and healthier, being young wise meant you are highly intelligent, what a dangerous combination for a man.

For now I have been seeing the rising of these group of men but they are hiding, waiting. Imagine if these young men united in the future under any particular symbols to unite them such as a messiah to lead these men. They will destroy the fabrics of lies a society have created.

“Learning need to be fun”

That is what I wrote in my private journal. Learning supposed to be a fun experience like how we play a game. The game we play could be super hard level, we failed and lose, over and over again. But eventually we will soon succeed. Being fun does not being under rainbow all the time, in the hardship and pain is also a part of being fun. There is one moment during my military training, we were “punished” to side-roll circling the whole hill (our defensive base) under downpour with complete set marching drill including M16. It was harsh, but we end-up laughing behind our exhaustion. What a fun experience we had together. Like marriage life, it is fun but does not mean it is easy. There is up and down moment. Thus, you learn from it. Hence, marriage also a form of education.

But throughout the hassle we had experience from any form education we took. What are you looking for in education? Actually this is the trick question like asking what are you looking for in eating, eat to live or live to eat? Nevertheless, it was one of the question arise during my teenage year. Is it to gain knowledge? But having a knowledge more like a having a tool. And that is the purpose of schools and colleges — to provide them equipped with necessary tools demanded by the society and authority. But what is the purpose of tool? It help us to complete the task. What task? Failure to answer to this question made you likely to be exploited for the tools you have without realizing your true task.

Indeed knowledge is a nice thing to have, but it is not the true purpose of education. Are you wanting to get married to gain knowledge? No, but with little knowledge could help you to go through the your journey in marriage. Hence, what else it could be mean? Virtue.

However, I despise the formal education structured by the a certain society either it is socialist, communist or capitalist. Since, their true foundation of education is was not for virtue but for the resistance on death(and living), survivalism which also be called with different label which is economy. Because if the education was structured for man to explore and discover his virtue self, people are no longer can be controlled and manipulated by authority with the foundation of lies and tyranny. It easier to trick a baby and steal a candy.

The best first education I ever discovered during in my teenager years was by reading the Quran, not singing the verses but truly read them through verified translation and some further explanation by scholar on tafsir. You would notice, the best education medium you could do is through story-telling. Why? Because story is the word we give for an experience and experience is the key for wisdom. Experience is our true school. The fast-witted student might only need a short period time like those student in academic who takes fast-track courses and slow-witted student might need a most of their age to reach the same destination — The Man of Virtue.

“Who am I need to trust?”

“What makes trust differ from reliable?”

I was fortunate to learn the difference between these two at such a young age and blessed with the guidance of “kalimatulhaq” with responsibility to lead my reader with what have been bestowed upon me. If we have learn the trilogy of man which I have been advocate for it. We realized, there are three phases of man started with man of symbols, become a man of faith and evolved to a man of virtue. The Excellence! Thus, how the trilogy of man lead us to identify between trust and reliable? First let’s we explore what these both really mean?

Hitherto we often associate these two as the same way except both happened in different domain in our own self. Reliable is associated with our Ego, the Consciousness mind, where it could be measured with the system of symbols, whereas there is expectation or projection we created need to fulfull. We invent a bunch of system of symbols to measure the reliability like credit score to measure the credit worthiness as guidance for the credit officer or Key-Performance-Index (KPI) to measure the reliability of worker based on their performance, either they meet the expectations or not. As we have learn, the system of symbols is too simple for us to represent on what we are genuinely looking for — Trust.

Trust happened in our unconscious mind, which is beyond our Ego. Trust is key on becoming the man of faith. Having faith is the act of trust where there is no recipe for it, otherwise it can be measured with system of symbols we used in reliability. Every man of faith will need start to trust his Calling – a transformation phenomena disguised in the system of symbols. It could be a mystical dream he experience , job offer or a marriage proposal. To start an adventure to learn who they really are, to be just to who they really!

Indeed, to trust is the scariest part of life because we put ourselves in vulnerable state, as we gamble with our reputation, status quo and livelihood. But if ask ask ourselves sincerely, who ‘I’ is scared?

It is Ego! Eventually the peak mountain you need to overcome will be your own. Why bother? you want to trust yourself.

Once you able to trust yourself to trust other, you have the Tao with you.

This is my word to those who still hold on vengeance within his/her heart.

I have been living my life together with someone who have vengeance despite those are not for meant for me specifically, but towards other. But that ‘other’ also me. I start looking why she still holding her grudge toward him for years, observes and learn. I realized, the biggest reason why someone still holding one’s grudge is the same thing why a man always do something that hurt or discomfort him in a such a way. I don’t realize the act of myself who like to eat something spicy in beginning are similar. Ignoring the part of addiction or fetish on spicy food since it mainly have influence from hormon but it is the consequences of cause, the reason why we always do something similar to this it is to justify the existence of ourself.

When a man put his Ego as a his/her true identity, intrinsically he knows the ego does not actually exist but a illusion he unintentionally create for himself to justify that he actually exist in this world. It is just a another a side of coin – the same reason people seek material, pleasure and status to justify his illusion of image of himself. It is guilt of a man of symbols that have to carry until they accepted his calling to the truth to let go this guilt.

I can’t change or force someone to let go his/her guilt, vengeance. It is the path of their own the need to experience and gain wisdom from the truth they will realized. But, what I and you could do, it is embodied the truth to the Self and appear as a man of symbol. Isn’t it the definition of “the Calling”? – The Truth disguised in Symbols. Then, it is up to a man either to accept ‘the Calling” and went to next phase (man of faith) or not.

I believe majority of us does not want to be cheated by their spouse or partner. But what it means to be cheated? Why they cheated in the first place?

This word also applicable to the one who cheats in their exam, games, and we have a ‘cheat meal’. I believe it is the same reason and together with ask ourselves honestly why we did such things. Let say we are playing a hand wrestling to test the power and strength of the arm. But since we had learn the trick like kind a judo trick by twisting the opponent’s hand, basically we cheated in that game. Same goes if we are under diet, why do we have “cheat meal”? In other word and simple terms, cheating is the act on betraying the value agreed between parties or dishonor our own’s value. If you value on knowledge and education we would not cheat on exam. If you value on healthy body or to losing fat, you would not cheating on meal and workout by doing a clean reps. If you value on your spouse, you would cheat on them.

But, the truth we value the grade more rather the knowledge itself. We value on having a instant pleasure gratification than having long waiting pleasure of healthy body. We value the company and attention given more than commit and discipline to your partner. I might be young, but with the will of ALLH, I have been shown and live through it to have my own experience. The biggest question I must ask is “what is my highest value” and I need to answer this question truthfully. Once we have learn what we actually value the most, then the transformation would begin and we learn the bit of truth of the self.

I’ll use myself as the example He is the only person I learn thorough-fully inside out. After transformation He gone through from a man of symbol, He was realized what He value the most, it is truth and love. But it is difficult to live truthfully honestly because truth reaps out the joy and bliss of the ignorance. That’s why love makes Him stronger to live truthfully, He love other without demanding to be loved back. Somehow He had found the well within his heart to be share to around Him. Maybe, that’s the reason why He disgust on women who wear the make up excessively or put filter in photos to look pretty because He view it as the act on lying to own self. Since it is difficult to judge someones acts based on his true values. We associate symbols with it like marriage, a symbolic act for the value you both agreed upon, and that is the first thing both need to sort out. That’s why it is respectful when a man marry a woman he like because of ALLH and a woman marry that man because of ALLH and both genuinely living together to fulfill the same the value(religion), with the same destination (redha). Like a ship heading to the same destination and direction.

Me, at a young age always think on unfairness of me on being step ahead from others. Being awarded with scholarship, enrolled into foundation study at ethnic-centric university and how ALLH keep guiding me toward the path of truth.

I was trying to be a evil man but yet blocked to do so, with weird dreams periodically and even more weird those dreams was the one which lead me to development the personality. Of course, deep down I was still keep resisting that personality from emerges to the surface. Like a certain of old man have said in my dreams about a year ago: “Inside this room, there is a man who have been loved but for now he was not ready and distant himself from the true Love. What love I have portrayed since was only spill from the well but if I let myself to be fall in that well, who knows if I am still exist.

Being loved is also a privilege for a mankind. Not every-born child have privileged to have a loving parents as we do. Actually there are many kinds of privileges we did not aware but only focus a certain vengeful privileges like ethnic privileges, or family relationship privileges. When a man tried to being virtuous he is not virtuous. Rejecting the privileges was also rejecting the part of yourself. It is not being opportunistic but rather being justice to who you are. The true despise when you miss-use and unjust toward those privileges.

If one privilege to have a blessed family in wealth, you may used that wealth in pursuit to your journey. Having privilege to have a gorgeous genetic, but why you being unjust to it? Privilege in having a healthy body without any genetic disorder, why we being unjust to our own body continuously, by letting the ego to consume what they desired and put yourself into obesity or overweight, now you have been wondering why you have diabetes, hypertension and high cholesterol level but it is all from your unjust act toward your own self at a young age.

It is does not matter what kind of privileges you might have. What really matters is how your attitude toward it. If not ready, you might resist from it until you are fully prepared. Like a prince born privilege to be a king one day, but he did not turn to be king immediately, he need to prepared himself before he accept it. An act of justice to know your own self, but, it is difficult task to manage since once you learn everything about who you are, you just realized you know nothing. What we should do then?

Back then when I was in secondary school, I was appointed as head of school librarian. This is my first experience holding a leadership role in subject to organizational perspective. I believe the main reason I was appointed because my teacher had once asked me if I’m willing to take the role and I decided to accept the offer. There is nothing so much I could learn to become a great leader during my school days. But the experience we in school surely teaches us something.

We can agree that the moment we had in school or during teenager surely impacts to our view in life — we learn what is love really means, the importance of friendship, some may had found their purpose of life, and few may realize their stupidity toward oneself. From then on, we lead ourselves to move forward in life, guided by our past experience and wisdom if you think.

But..

Having a quality on experience and wisdom truly did not explain to me much on becoming a leader. Because the word “leader” usually associates with the others. Hence, I need to learn more, to experience and understand it better. I joined the military cadet program called reserve officer training unit with the mission to learn and experience something I did not know. The motto for this program is “Sentiasa Memimpin” which means “Always Lead” come to my attention this program might the right platform for me to experience and become the leader I wished to learn.

I still remember the first question our trainer appointed to us which is do we really want to become a military officer, sincerely to be here and not because of allowances or for the sake of having a co-curricular credit. The similarity between both of the experience is firstly come with our own choice and conviction to ourself. We lead ourselves with our conviction and belief that this is THE path. You become the leader of yourself and also the follower to yourself. Here then, we realize every leader is the follower. The ability to sync with other’s conviction and belief and having an inner courage and confidence to oneself which lead to be at front inspire others to follow their own conviction and belief.

However, we need to aware there two kinds of follower — the fools and the inspired one. The fools who did not have a belief and conviction in themselves, blindly follow something or someone as long as it could fill your emptiness within your heart and mind. And the fools is the one who give up on the middle of crisis, when they had lost touch on their delusion toward themselves. But, the inspired one, the one who already have fire within their heart, will leading themselves and other to the journey despite any crisis. He later became the symbol for the follower under his leadership and what people call “Hero”.

It’s been 17 months since last write (by MALIM), I have meet with my lovely wife and enjoying the life of common person. Today is 10 Ramadan 1446H, soon enough return to the destiny which been decided for me. May ALLH bless the time that we have spent, because surely humanity is in loss except for those who have faith, do good, and urge each other to the truth, and urge each other to perseverance.

This Ramadan marked as my 5th Ramadan on my “fasting” from eating meat (including chicken). The fasting were started from the first Ramadan in 2021 turn up to be one of my own virtue with no regret. Since that month, i have been reborn and slowly grow metaphysically to become who I really are. This is the month to learn and return to who you really are, as long we are not tempted by the pursuit of pleasure.

In May 2021, I founded alfoundation.my inside my small room rented in Kuala Lumpur. The room is partition divided into 4 room in living space. The room was tiny only can fit one single bed and dorm style cupboard. A young bachelor man who had just finished his studies in engineering and get a job in capital city at one of the biggest bank in Malaysia. Now, that man have become a father and for a while that man had given opportunity to live his moments as a “normal” man as per he once prayed to be. However, he realize this was a “career break” for his purposes and now building a pillar after laid down a foundation of his cause.

In the beginning, I imagine a world where you can be true to who you really are, be just on who you are and I believe you will contribute goodness to this world. It started as foundation with writings from myself or MALIM (my preferred pen name) which some may criticize the boasted ego name want to be referred as someone wise or teacher but truly I did not create this name, it was a random account name for school IT education program (frog something like that) with the name “m.al-imxxxx@xxxx.xx” which an abbreviation from my name and I have been using them from since.

There are 3 pillars on top of this foundation which I believe what is need to realize my cause to reality: • Education; • Space; and • (unfortunely) Money.

Now the beginning for the new chapter of this journey…

It is the night of 2nd January 2026, and marked my 60th post in alfoundation.my.

Started as journey finding the self within myself.

My most spiritual and philosophical experience in late 20’s Confront the self which I called him “malim”. A wise character that revealed himself at night.

To be a hero in my story, but also could be mean, be a villain to another man’s life story.

I’m now 30, and it coming to the end for this chapter.

(for beloved children of mine) Don’t try to live so wise, otherwise, it will be unwise.

Don’t lie.

Love is found inside, so always take a good care of your heart.

Know your place. Only then you can be just to you and others.

Guide them.

Teach them.

Lead.

Look at to the sky at night, where it shines at brightest.

Now, go..